Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Goth Days of Summer: A Survival Guide

Posted By on Tue, Jul 19, 2016 at 8:00 AM

click to enlarge A still from Tim Burton's 'Sweeney Todd' - YOUTUBE SCREENSHOT
  • YouTube Screenshot
  • A still from Tim Burton's 'Sweeney Todd'

If you fit in the "goth" category, nothing's more tragic than being invited to a pool party. But even though the macabre things in life might be more appealing than orange spray tans and harsher-than-sunlight florescent colors, there are still ways to be more aesthetically pleasing than the dark lord himself, Marilyn Manson.

In preparation for San Antonio's first goth beach dance party at Paper Tiger next week, here are a few tips to stay cool and look hot in this Texas summer swelter.

5. Slather on sunblock

Even though the stereotypical goth has a basement dweller complexion, everyone who dabbles in the Gothic subculture needs to protect their flesh from UV rays, 'cause melanoma equals melancholia, and not the poetic kind. If you want to go next level goth, lacy black parasols will make you look more ghastly than an Edward Gorey illustration. Plus, who wants to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West while showing off your Victorian garb?  

4. Waterproof makeup, or else.

The sun is a ruthless bully, so stock up on waterproof foundation, mascara, dark lipstick and, more importantly, eyeliner. Don't let sweat define you. Mainstream pop queens Beyonce and Taylor Swift made running mascara in the 00s less Alice Cooper and more basic than a Snapchat dog filter. Invest in a 24-hour lipstick, because smudged lipstick is "uncool," unless you're Robert Smith, ultimate goth idol, it can't be pulled off. 

3. Locks of misery 

Hair is moodier than LiveJournal accounts and middle school poetry, so goths with elaborate hairstyles might have to tone it down. You don't want your freshly dyed black tresses to leave an inky trail behind you in the neighborhood swimming pool or bleached snow white hair turning toxic waste green, as brooding as that sounds. And if you have cybergoth hair pieces, leave them at home, they might be mistaken for pool toys. Keep your colored hair healthy from chlorine with advice found here

2. Style more on point than goth dreamboat Edward's scissor hands.

Even if your personal goth style requires more layers than garlic, you might have to conform to the weather's demands - without compromising your love for darkness. New age goth fashion includes bizarre conjunctions, such as pastel goth, health gothtribal gothgeek goth and tropigoth. If you're wanting a quick style dissection, take the obligatory BuzzFeed quiz to find out your true goth identity. For the aspiring beach goth, look for a mix of the most anti-goth article of clothing ever - the loud flamboyant Jimmy Buffet patented Hawaiian shirt - and completely destroy the stereotype by pairing it with anything black, don't forget the appropriate attitude. It'll be an opposites attract situation, but it will pay off at the Gothic beach party, because the goth way is finding solace and beauty in darkness.

1. Have fun. 

Whether you're catching a wave on a *preferably* black surfboard, getting doused with the dreaded Nerf Super Soaker - hoping for the best that your dark attire won't fade - or trying to dance to music other than dark wave to post-punk, there's no shame in enjoying yourself doing the unexpected. 

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