Altie Awards recognize the butthole sniffers who will be ignored at the Oscars 

For the last eight years, our sister publication Baltimore City Paper* has given out the “Altie Awards” (Altie as in “alternative,” get it?) in honor of “the consummate artistry and dubious achievement of the movies that entertained or stole time from our lives” in the previous year. For the first time ever, the Current is proud to share with you the 2011 Altie Awards. Enjoy, and please give Joaquin Phoenix a break. (E.L.)

Which will it be: The stuttering king, the cocky internet whiz-kid, or the teen girl hiring an avenging gunslinger?

The usual media chatter suggests The King’s Speech, The Social Network, and True Grit look like early favorites to score big when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gives out those iconic gold statuettes February 27 at Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre. But what’s a little fun about this year’s Oscar nominations is that it doesn’t entirely feel like there’s a sure-fire bet: a Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds in 2010, a Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood in 2008, a Helen Mirren in The Queen in 2007. Yes, there are certain frontrunners, but even a few days out, in some categories it feels like there’s a genuine race worth discussing.

Which doesn’t mean The Social Network and/or The King’s Speech aren’t going to walk away with everything. It would just make sense for the year: the people who already have everything usually get to keep it.

Economics was the elephant-in-the-room subtext to 2010 and the year in movies. And we’re not just talking about all the financial crisis documentaries and the holding steady unemployment rate. Economics slithers its way into many of the Oscar nominations as well. The rich can’t just afford to invade people’s sleep in Inception — even their dreams take place in better tax brackets. Other Best Pictures entries include the have-nots or the have-a-littles trying to hold onto what they feel is theirs or what they desire (Winter’s Bone, True Grit, The Fighter, Black Swan), imbalances in home economics (The Kids Are All Right), and the inevitable sadness of what to do with all that stuff (Toy Story 3).

But so goes it: money, how to obtain it, and the accumulation of it by a smaller and smaller demographic, is just the world in which we live. — Bret McCabe

 

Best That’s What He Always Does: Ben Affleck, The Town.

 

Best Exactly What She Always Does: Jennifer Aniston, Bounty Hunter. Ward: “Heaving breasts in a tank-top, running around in platform sandles, hair tossing coupled with a ‘Wha?’ look, then a dirty look and maybe a ‘hrumph,’ giggling.”

 

Best for Shame, Hollywood: Amanda Peet, Gulliver’s Travels. Gardner: “She’s a dynamite actress who just happens to be super lovely and funny and all you can think to do with her is plop her in a no-chemistry romance with Jack Black?”

 

Best Zach Galifianakis Making You Cry: Tie — It’s Kind of a Funny Story and Due Date.

 

Worst Career Move: I’m Still Here. Gardner: “Perhaps it proved that Joaquin Phoenix is a brilliant actor, but I’ll never be able to watch him again without thinking of him wondering what various hookers’ buttholes smell like.”

 

Best Action Star: Cameron Díaz, Knight and Day. Ward: “Unlike Angelina Jolie in every action flick since Tomb Raider, Díaz actually has the muscles to back up that moxie.”

 

Best Dead Pretty Lady Married to Leo DiCaprio: Tie — Michelle Williams, Shutter Island, and Marion Cotillard, Inception.

 

Best Acid Casualty: John Malkovich, Red.

 

Best Drug Moment: Get Him to the Greek’s “When the world slips you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry wall.” McCabe: “What’s horribly embarrassing is how reasonable this sounds to me.”

 

Best Crazy-hot Mom: Marisa Tomei, Cyrus.

 

Best Creepy Children that Actually Aren’t Vampires: The White Ribbon.

 

Best Joke on Everyone: Exit Through the Gift Shop.

 

Best Class War: Sex and the City 2, when Cynthia and Charlotte toast all the mommies who do it without nannies while staying in an Abu Dhabi hotel room. McCabe: “That actually made my uterus tweak in anger.”

 

Best Animal House 2.0: The Social Network.

 

Best Vasectomy Ad: Life as We Know It. McCabe: “What’s worse than dying after reproducing? Letting your derelict best friends raise the poor fucker.”

 

Best Dose of Reality: Restrepo. McCabe: “You know that whole War on Terror thing? It’s actually far fucking more awful for the soldiers out there than your worst imagination.”

 

Best We Are the Last People With Whom You Should Fuck: The Tillmans, The Tillman Story.

 

Best Sound of One Hand Clapping: 127 Hours.

 

Best Hate Fuck: Lisbeth Salander anally violates the judge who rapes her, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

 

Best Clichés: The Hitman Out for One Last Job meets the Hooker With a Heart of Gold in The American.

 

Best Boomer Self-Pity: Toy Story 3. Gardner: “What a drag it is getting old, for real, huh? The retirement community life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially with mortality staring you down. But there’s a place for you, a use, there still is, really.”

 

The Howard the Duck Award for Worst Adaptation: Linda Woolverton, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.

 

The Halle Berry Swordfish Award for Best Rumored Nudity That Drove Up Ticket Sales: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Black Swan. Fagerberg: “Nothing puts asses in seats like faces in crotches.”

 

Outstanding Achievement in Ridiculous, Near Movie-Ruining CGI: The end of True Grit.

 

Best Movie to Not See Even on Television While You Have the Flu: Cop Out. Ward: “Kevin Smith has run his course behind the camera and Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan must have kids in college for them to show up for this crap.” •



*Correction: Our print version and earlier online version listed this article as coming from the Cleveland Scene. However, it is from another sister publication, Baltimore City Paper.




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