CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR MISANTHROPIC SOCIALISTS 

Fortunately, the wielders of the powers-that-be buy into the idea, and it is this small squeak of Christmas time generosity in a year otherwise governed by viciousness and greed that could provide a foot in the door for the greatest monkey warfare tactic ever to chisel its way into the conniving skull of this reporter. The name of my creation? Guerrilla caroling.

The idea is simple: Visit the home of one of our city's painfully bright guiding lights. (On the political side: Mayor Garza, "Kike" Martin, John Sanders, M'Liss Christian; on the business side: Charles Butt (H-E-B), Red McCombs, James Leininger, or L. Lowry Mays (ClearChannel)) Don't worry about the fact that most of these people live on the far side of a locked gate. They, like many others, are suckers for carolers and other holiday dreck: Sing a few tunes about chestnuts and sleigh rides, and most likely they will honor tradition and invite you in for milk and cookies. Once in, sing another traditional tune to get them comfortable and relaxed. Then, when they have cuddled up next to the $10,000 mantle that houses a gas fireplace (chopping wood would require actual labor), waiting for the next round of Yuletide crap, zap them with any of the following tunes (re-written here for your pleasure):

"BAD MAYOR GARZA"
(sung to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas")

Bad Mayor Garza once went out, to Hill Country's wealthy
Where the land lay all abloom, green and fresh and healthy
Brightly shone the sun that day, though his quest was cruel
To the rich and land barons, he would bear them fuel

"Hither page and stand by me, if you know it telling:
Yonder forest, plant and tree, where and what their dwelling?"
"Mayor, they live a goodly life, though there be no mountain
Right there in the Hill Country, above St. Edward's fountain"

"Bring me cash and bring me men who would see this sundered
For the sport of idle rich, we will have this plundered"
Page and lobbyist forth they went, and united planned
For the taking of the land, to serve the Lumberman

"Mayor, the people have fought hard, hard though they be dissed
With their sweat and blood and tears, they have made a list
They have sworn to nix our plan, in a referendum
And our sponsors they have said, our plan they will abandon"
"Fear ye not, you simple man — I am swift and cunning
Lest you doubt the end result, the first plan I am shunning
I shall draw a new scheme up, like but not exactly
Their long list will matter not," Mayor Ed said matter-o-factly

So it comes to one dark day that we are drinking poison
The put and purr of rich men's carts, ever are so noisome
And they swing and play and shout, wearing funny shorts
There's no more water, no more trees — all for sake of sport

"CHECK THE STALLS"
(sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls")


Check the stalls for Willie and Wally
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Entrap them there 'cuz they're too jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Ban we now our gay men's chorale
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Down with sex that's anal or oral
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the flaming queen before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Lock him up and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Hate is not a family value
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
You haven't banned sex yet, nor shall you
Fa la la la la, la la la la

"THIS TOWN SMELLS"
(sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Cruising through '09,
In a big, black Benz sedan.
O'er Terrell Hills we go
To Dominion land.
Men may freeze and starve,
More may waste away,
But for us it's just another big fat fucking
huge filthy rich holiday.

Chorus:
Oh, jingle bells, this town smells,
A vagrant took a dump.
Tho' people may fill our pockets with gold;
We know that they're just chumps.

Jingle bells, crappy hell!
My mojado butler's gone.
He said slave wages wouldn't pay his bills,
so la migra sent him on.

Just the other day,
I was on the phone with George.
He told me to stay cool,
My account he could engorge.
And then I talked to Al,
He said to trade my stock.
I dumped it on some poor old sot and put
his house on the auction block

Chorus

San Anto is so poor.
The people are covered in grime.
Half are toiling in shame,
The other half doing time.
But I'm okay, you see
In my Lexus SUV
What fun it is to steal-and-bilk-and-pillage-
and-rape-and-take-not-give-and-buy-
and-sell you 10 times over for free!

Chorus


More by Tucker Teutsch III

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