CRITICAL Darling 

John Rambo. Rocky Balboa. John McClane. Indiana Jones: All beefy action stars portrayed by actors now over 50 whose franchises have been dusted off uncannily at once. (Come to think of it, Schwarzenegger slipped back into his cyborg shoes in his mid-50s for Terminator 3 in 2003 …) Imagination? Innovation, anyone?

But here’s my real quandry: If, in 25 years, Angelina Jolie wants to resurrect Tomb Raider, will butts be in seats? I’ll back up: Could she even get it made? How about Milla Jovovich as a half-a-century-old Alice in the fourth Resident Evil installment? Sigourney Weaver was two years shy of 50 when Alien: Resurrection was released in 1997; will she try for another? I think not.

So, what’s a hot woman over 50 to do? Fuck some bugs, of course! (Doesn’t that seem like it should be a typo? What are the Current editors doing all day? Climbing trees and sharing bongs with squirrels?) No, really. Isabella Rossellini — of Blue Velvet and, lately, 30 Rock fame — has written and directed a series of shorts called Green Porno, in which she portrays different male insects in flagrante delicto. I’d like to see Stallone match that flight of fancy. XO.


More by Ashley Lindstrom

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