Crotch Attack 

`Note: I’ve been a doting fan of the punk/goth/nerdcore erotic site Suicidegirls
click to enlarge 20061031_231314_2_storyjpg
All the president’s men: Suicide Girl Nixon talks about her ... ahem ... “ample” fan base (the “Tricky Dick” club?) and asks, “C’mon, do I look like a crook?”
`Note: I’ve been a doting fan of the punk/goth/nerdcore erotic site since its inception in 2001 ... Nixon’s one of the more fetishistic girls, and well, I’ve fantasized a lot about being under her stiletto heel. Over the phone, Nixon giggled like a chipmunk, mostly because another Suicide Girl, Reagan (yup, both dead elephants), was teasing her in the backround. My dorky stammering has been edited out for space.`

I have to admit that I’m a little bit nervous, because it’s very rare for me to have seen my interview subject naked before I’ve talked to her. And it’s not as if I’m a prude per se, but it is a bit intimidating.

Nobody else has said that?
Well, I don’t know, I mean it seems to me it would make it easier; that whole public speaking thing where you picture people in their underwear.

You know, they say that, but I mean it’s not as if you’re in your underwear. I’m looking at you in leather, I’m looking at you with alien-colored eyes ... It’s not the same.

My guess, you know, one person’s underwear is ... different than another’s.

Fair enough ... so what’s the spiel you give the average journalist who calls you?
Well, mainly, a lot of people want to know what to expect out of the show, which is burlesque, but it’s certainly not traditional. It’s a lot more punk-rock, it’s much edgier. But it does have, I think, a lot of the same humor and sort of tongue-in-cheek idea that traditional burlesque had ... And it’s a lot messier, too. We try to get the audience as messy as humanly possible.

Wait, wait, wait. Messy?
Yeah. I think last night things we got on the crowd included ketchup, chocolate sauce, a lot of liters of soda, beer ... Yeah, we like to dump things on the audience a lot.

Sounds like GWAR.
Yeah, there’s a certain GWAR-ness to that.

So, the first rule of etiquette is to not wear your nicest clothes.
Right, and if you do, you might want to stand in the back. The people in the first four or five rows are going to get it.

So, uh, how should the audience behave?
Our audiences are always really good. What we expect from them is to be really rowdy, and really loud. Hoop and holler and everything, but to also be really respectful. And if you touch the girls, they’re Suicide Girls — they’ll kick you in the face.

Are you allowed to squirt ketchup at the girls?
No one ever thinks to bring their own ketchup. It’s probably best not to, though. I think we’d prefer it if you didn’t squirt the ketchup, but once the food fight starts, it’s kind of on.

So, most of the time it’s a one-way food exchange.
That’s true, most of the time it is. But, you know, every once in a while we lose a bottle and it comes back to haunt us later.

Recently on the site I discovered a girl I went to high school with had become a Suicide Girl, and I’m not sure exactly how to react ...
Well, it sounds to me like you’re a little uncomfortable with it ... I don’t think it’s going to embarrass her. I get emails pretty regularly from people I went to high school with, or worked with years ago, going “Hey, found you on Suicide Girls, wanted to catch up with you.” It doesn’t even faze me. It’s out there to be seen. We’re getting ready to do CSI: New York in front of 18 million people this week.

You’re going to be on CSI?
Yeah! I’m on it, one of the other girls in the burlesque troupe is on it, and then a few of the other girls from the site as well.

Who’s the murderer?
Oh, can’t give that away, but I will tell you we’re all suspects.

Does one of you get killed?

It’s not you, is it?
No, it’s not.

Was that something you fought over? It being Suicide Girls, I mean, I imagine whoever got to be the victim ...
You know, everyone kept asking me, “What are you doing? Are you going to be in court?” I said “NO! I’M A SUSPECT.” That sounded much more fun to me.

Nixon’s not your real name is it?
It is officially my middle name, but it’s there because I chose it there. I’m an enormous Hunter Thompson fan, and “Nixon” was one of the attack commands that he used for his dobermans. Specifically, it was the crotch attack.

Groupies! Do you have male groupies when you tour?
You know ... we have more female groupies than we have male groupies. The majority of the groupies that have creeped us out or at least gotten close have been female ... It always seems like the guys are much better at behaving themselves ...

They’re scared shitless, that’s why.
Girls are the ones that always think they get special privileges for being girls. They get touchy and they also get very emotionally attached to us. They sort of see us as role models and some of them have some very strange reactions.

Can you give me an example?
Oh ... I did name someone’s baby one time.

What did you name it?
Oh gosh. I don’t remember!

You don’t remember!

You’ve totally lost godmother privileges.
Ohhhhh ... I mean, girls, they come up and they say “I wanna be just like you” and that always creeps me out, because I don’t think anyone should be just like anyone.

More by Dave Maass



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