I am a 23-year-old virgin. Never even dated. I don’t know if I’m gay or straight, and at this point I don’t think it matters. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
I am a guilt-ridden and self destructive masochist. It mostly centers around me being castrated and victimized. Back when I was 18, I would look for creeps capable of killing me if they ever tired of me as a sex slave. I almost castrated myself with a band two years earlier. I’d fantasize and fixate on this nonstop.
Then I started doing role-plays in chat rooms about getting raped, tortured, and killed. CBT, castration, and being feminized were a major theme. I’ve seriously wondered how to end up in prison: Raped and beaten every day and ending up as a registered sex offender if I ever got out; chemically castrated the rest of my life; going door to door and telling people, then being threatened with death, maybe even beaten to a pulp on their doorstep. I know I can’t hurt someone else, but I want to be treated like the most disgusting monster that needs to be put in his place.
I’m scaring myself to death and feel like dying every time I get done masturbating to this shit and having a moment of clarity and knowing how horrible it all is. I just want to be a normal, sane, rational person. I want to be a good person. I want this over with and just begin my life already.
I can’t afford a psychiatrist and I’m desperate. Do I just go ahead and fucking live with this?
— You’ll Never Know Hard It Was to Push Send
Dear Never,
I can’t say you don’t have a problem, but you can find help and happiness. Contact the Family Service Association (family-service.org), the United Way (unitedwaysatx.org), and Carelink (universityhealthsystem.com) about free or affordable therapy options. You definitely should talk your ideas over with a professional. Psychology boards seem like a mixed bag, but possibly a better sort of chat room for you to work through some of your feelings.
You should also explore the aspects of BDSM culture. It can be OK to like it rough. Even really rough. You can have a healthy and socially acceptable (not necessarily watercooler talk) sex life and relationship with a loving and trusted partner that involves satisfying your masochistic desires in a safe and mutually pleasurable way.
Check out the Eulenspiegel Society, tes.org, “a not-for-profit organization located in NYC which promotes sexual liberation for all adults. Especially for people who enjoy consensual BDSM.” They are the oldest support group for BDSM in the nation and have members across the country. Locally in San Antonio there is Chain of Command, chainofcommand.org, a male- and leather-centric group. For more variety, but not as close to home, I found Houston’s People Exchanging Power, hpep.org/newhome, which offers a lot more options in their programming (and gender). They have a special interest group called Secrets of Submission that looks like it may be of help to you. HPEP also recommended Austin’s Group With No Name, gwnn.net, a large and active group. Austin is close enough to get to and far enough to ensure privacy.
I can’t tell you how to live a “normal” life, because that is different for everyone. Learn to love yourself, my friend. We’re all only human, and that is more than OK.
Much love and understanding,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected], myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.
