I want to know why I keep attracting unavailable men. The last four guys I dated were in relationships or getting divorced (with kids) or getting married.
The divorced ones are at least single, but an ex-wife does lend her own special drama, especially if there are children involved.
The married one just got married. We met about two months before his wedding and have been hanging out a bunch. No sex, just dates. He’s awesome and doesn’t want to be married, but I am not a person to wait around until he decides what he’s going to do.
All of these men are good guys who genuinely like me. I’m beginning to think I meet the right people at the wrong times. Am I putting out some sort of signal that I don’t want anything serious? Why am I perceived as really awesome, but not good enough for a real relationship? I think I come into people’s lives for a reason, which I am more than glad to do, but when is it my turn to meet someone great? Please help.
— Never the bride…
Dear Never the Bride,
You find what you are looking for, so start looking for the right thing. If you haven’t already, dump the married guy. Did I need to say that? Now find a good therapist and take a stack of their cards. Whenever an attached or unavailable guy hits on you, give him a card instead of your number.
You have a small self-respect problem. You describe yourself as awesome, but don’t act it. Why don’t you think you are good enough for a real relationship? You pick guys that need something from you other than a relationship. It is healthy and wonderful to be nurturing, but you have more to offer and so should any guy you date. It is great that you believe you come into people’s lives for reasons; so did the Virgen de Guadalupe. Unless these guys start making statues and writing the Pope about it, I suggest a new outlook. Meeting someone great takes effort. Try making a list. What do you want? What don’t you want? There are a lot of perfectly superb men that just aren’t what you want and need in a relationship. Maybe it’s time someone came into your life for a reason.
Much love and luck,
Your Uncle Mat
My boyfriend left his MySpace login set to automatic on my computer when he left the other day. I know I shouldn’t have signed in to his account, but I did. I discovered that he has been communicating (with romantic overtones) with an ex-boyfriend of his from college. What do I do? To complicate matters, we work in the same office.
— Mad and sad
Dear Mad and Sad,
In the book of Genesis we learn that taking a bite out of the apple of knowledge sucks. Part of the “magic” of love is trusting and believing in it. The moral of this story is that gods and guys need to stop leaving their apples and logins around if they want us to be happy. I don’t advocate snooping, but it is best that you know now.
What should you do? Well, I assume you want to know how to confront your boyfriend. If you are going to dump him, a very good option, you need to be fair and tell him why. Be calm and direct. Lying would be wrong, complicate the matter, and might be revealed later. Take the high road and apologize for snooping, but don’t take any bullshit about it. His other relationship is not excused by your indiscretion. As for the workplace, keep it professional. I hope you mean you work in the same large office and in different departments. This should make it easier. Either way, express clearly to him that you do not want this to affect your work environment. Respect that statement and do not share details with your coworkers. If anyone pries, simply state it was a “mutual split.” You may be more upset than this, but you don’t want your personal life to replace the Flavor of Love at the water cooler.
Keep your chin up, he could have been a murderer.
Your uncle Mat •
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at dear
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