I met this guy from Austin who is a friend of a friend. We met when he came into town a few weeks ago. We hung out several times over the weekend, with lots of great conversations and eventual really hot making out sessions. We talked on the phone the following week and I threw caution to the wind and went to visit him the next weekend in Austin. He was super-sweet and I had a blast. We did the deed Sunday before I left town. It was fun and not at all weird or a pressure situation. It just felt natural. I don’t think I’m easy and this is not at all what I usually do. He texted me after I returned home to make sure I made it back OK and I replied I had. Then he called Tuesday to talk. That’s it, just talk, and we did for almost an hour. I randomly texted him the next day and he didn’t reply until Thursday via email. I haven’t replied or called him since. I really like him. He is nice and smart. Educated, creative, and cute. It’s been four days and I want to know what to do. I’ve had my heart pulverized in the past and I’m a little distrustful in general. By all accounts, he is a trustworthy and stand-up guy. My girlfriend has known him for years and I trust her implicitly. If he just wanted sex, he could have gotten laid by any girl in Austin. I have wanted to call him just for shits and giggles, but I’m afraid he will think I am being needy. I don’t want to bother him, either. I am not a fan of LDRs and I am a busy woman. Normally I wouldn’t even date a guy from outside the Loop, but driving to Austin doesn’t really bother me. Why is this so difficult?
— Crushed Out and Confused
Dear Ms. Crushed Out,
It is only difficult because you are making it difficult. If you want to call the dude just for fun, then call the dude. He could be sitting in Austin asking himself the same questions: Did she drive all the way to Austin just for sex? What if she thinks I am a male slut? She hasn’t called or responded to my email in four days! I don’t want to seem like a total cling-on. What if she hated my penis? Or whatever guys think.
He has already called you once to just chat. He set the precedent that this is acceptable behavior. You should call him — you’ll only sound needy if you say needy things. Don’t ask when you will see each other again or tell him you miss him or apologize for calling. Act like he is your new friend. If this is going to work out as a relationship, you will need to become friends anyways. Talk to him like you would anyone else. Conversation and mutual interest will naturally introduce an opportunity to make plans to see each other again. If you treat him and the situation like it’s a freak, then you will probably come off as a freak.
I think it is great that you are not easy, but know that when you break your rules, it will seem emotionally strange. You are programmed to expect a higher level of emotional response from yourself once you have had sex with a guy. This could be a bit confusing right now. Try to relax — you will need to let the rest of the relationship catch up, and it might not.
If you treat the new guy like he is the guy who broke your heart, then he will most likely respond appropriately. Dating is about being hopeful and building a new relationship. This guy can’t atone for the crimes of your ex-boyfriend(s) and shouldn’t be expected to. You appear to be making excuses to avoid him. I suggest visiting with a counselor. Examine your past relationship(s), work on your confidence, and be honest about what you want and need in a relationship right now.
By the way, your letter seems to suggest that the girls in Austin are easy. What’s up with that?
Much love and an easier situation for a not so easy girl,
Your Uncle Mat
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