I have a small personal and professional problem. I got a little drunk at our annual company Christmas party and slept with one of my supervisors. Since then we have had sex a couple of times a week. We have been friends since I started at the company and have regularly hung out and even run together a couple of times a week in the evenings. This is when we have been having sex now, too.
There are two big problems with this. One, he doesn’t think he’s gay, but does like having sex with me since he is single. This all started because he was dumped by his girlfriend of two years the week before the party, and so after the party we went out for a few drinks and then he came back to my place because neither of us could drive and we split the taxi to my house since I live closer to downtown. We shared my bed because I don’t have a guest room and my couch is really uncomfortable. I don’t remember how it all started, but we ended up having very intense sex that night and then he woke up in the morning wanting to do it again. He claims he is just really horny all of the time and feels it’s OK because we are friends. I can’t complain about the sex, but I am not sure where this is going.
The second problem is that fraternizing between employees and management is strictly forbidden at our company. He says it’s not a problem because we are not dating, just two guys helping each other out with what we need. I guess I get that and no one would ever suspect since we already hang out all of the time and a lot of people at the office don’t even know I am gay, but I feel awkward about it. I am single and really would like a boyfriend, but this is not helping. I asked my friends and got a split vote. Please tell me what I should do. I do not want to ruin our friendship, my job, or make a big drama out of this.
— Man in a Mess
Dear Messy Man,
Did you ever watch Ally McBeal? You are more or less describing a plot line from any given season. Unfortunately that points to drama, more sex, daytime hallucinations, and eventual cancellation of your show. On the bright side, you are getting properly laid for awhile. Never take great sex for granted. Later on, after you have buried this time of your life in a hundred bottles of bourbon or sorted it out in months of tearful therapy, you will look back and remember that the sex was spectacular, you would kill to do him one more time, and not much else.
You need to take control of this situation. If the company you work for is conservative enough, they might not actually count two dudes snaking each others’ drains as anything more than distasteful. On the other hand, he is totally thinking with his dick, and I wouldn’t trust his judgment.
If you want a boyfriend and he has made it clear all he wants is the cow rental, I suggest closing the farm to straight men. You are right about it doing your dating life no good, and both of you are lying to yourselves on some level.
I suggest being direct and honest. Be clear that you want your friendship to continue as before, so you can continue to look for a man who is interested in an open relationship. Though he is still licking his wounds from his failed relationship, he should understand your desire to move forward with your personal life and that having a dude frequenting your bed makes it look a little full when you bring a real date home.
This will be an exercise in the strength of your friendship and his respect for you as a professional at your office. It may have been a mistake to start sleeping with your boss, but it isn’t what will define either of you as men in the annals of history (unless he is a politician or a sports star and you’re an aspiring reality-TV has-been). Just be kind to yourself and then do something surprising to start the year off. And I don’t mean a three-way with the mail clerk and your boss’s boss.
Much love and luck,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about
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