Dear Uncle Mat 

Dear Uncle Mat,

What is up with the queers in this town? I just want to find a nice decent guy who likes to hang out, go to the movies, grab coffee, watch TV, or just grab a beer. It seems whenever I go out the bars are just filled with pretentious assholes and guys who want to take you home, fuck you, and get out before the sun comes up. How do I find real men? It’s like a needle in a haystack. Jerks, jerks, and more jerks. I know this sounds like a big bitch session, but let me give some examples. I met a guy a few months ago and he seemed nice, but he totally snubbed me after the first date. He drove a BMW, and I saw the expression on his face when he saw my 5-year-old Accord. I just can’t be defined by a car. I won’t even go home with a guy anymore after so many just jump up and practically run out the door half dressed as soon as they cum. I’m not going to be used like a prostitute. I’m not sure how you can help me unless you can open up a charm school for the fools we call gays in this town.

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

That is totally my dream job, so if you know anyone willing to fund a charm school for wayward gay men, send them my way. Seriously. You could enroll in the first class, and we can adjust that terrible little negative attitude you have. Seriously.

I get one of these letters about once a year or so from readers terribly upset because everyone else is a schmuck and a dick. Well, yes, there are some not so lovely men out there, but there are also plenty of great ones. The great ones are maybe wondering why you have such a chip on your shoulder.

If you don’t like the guys you meet at the bars, stop looking for guys at the bars. Maybe just stop going to the bars. It is somewhat of a funny place to look for a husband anyways. Granted the world isn’t perfect, but it’s not like gay bars are the only place to find gay men anymore. I like to look for them at gyms and coffee shops. The lighting is better and I have terrible depth perception in the dark.

You should be happy a guy who feels your car defines you ditched after the first date. What if you dated him, fell in love, and then he demanded that you buy a car you couldn’t afford? Then you would be mad and hurt. As far as the guys running out of your house after sex, well, don’t advertise that. I mean, why are they running away? OK, that was a little mean, but you picked them up at a bar. They were probably drunk. Did you have high expectations? If you did, well that is your fault. Don’t worry, I made the same mistake in my youth, too. The bar is the lottery, not a matchmaking machine. And you do know what they say about buying the cow when the milk is free, right?

You could also ask yourself why you keep attracting (or are attracted to) men who fall short of your expectations. If you want an apple, why do you keep picking up peaches and pears? They will not magically turn into apples.

If you see a haystack, then you are going to have to look through a haystack. Perception and attitude are everything. You have to put your best foot forward, and not just that: look in what direction you are walking. It might be that love is dumb luck or fate, so a little patience will help too.

Chin up young man! Stop waiting for someone to live your life with and go live the life you want to live. More than likely you will find a more than perfectly acceptable man there.

Much love and luck,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets and art. Email him at,, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.

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