You better sit down, kids…
It has been an honor and a delight to answer your questions and write this column in the Current, but Uncle Mat is retiring. You can still find me on Facebook if you have a dire situation and no better last resorts. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of my fans, and you other readers as well, and leave you with some basic advice to guide you through your daily life.
• That bit about a pair of clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus is a farce, but your underwear should always be cute or you can just go commando.
• If someone you are related to has already slept with a person, that person is best considered off limits for you.
• Atrocities, both personal and global, can be committed by well-intentioned people.
• Your shoes and your belt should match or complement each other.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• Open relationships are like open doors. They are not inherently bad. It all depends on what you let in.
• If you need to ask a stranger if your significant other or love interest loves you, you might want to ask yourself, “What else is wrong in my relationship?”
• Talking to your pet will make you smarter and more attractive.
• For God’s (and Bob Barker’s) sake, spay or neuter your pets.
• Just because you can have children doesn’t mean you should have children.
• Sometimes helping someone else is the best way to help yourself.
• If you’re not sure if you’re too drunk to drive, have three more and call a cab or pick up a cute stranger.
• Don’t pick up strangers when you are drunk unless your friends approve or if you already have a significant other.
• You probably are not getting enough sleep.
• You can eat almost anything in a tortilla, deep fried, or both.
• Do not try to make your spouse side with you against his or her mother. There are better ways to slowly destroy your relationship, like an affair with the pool boy.
• If you are living with someone who hits you or emotionally abuses you, move out. Immediately. Go to a friend.
• Gifts given for the hell of it on any random day are better than expected gifts.
• Eat more yogurt and berries, and exercise.
• If you have to relieve yourself in public, look both ways.
I could go on for days, really. There is so much important information out there and no filter. It sounds a little trite, but go fall in love, set something on fire, and at the very least, be honest with yourself and do something you want to do. We tend to worry too much about making final decisions, the eternity of any given decision, and forget that everything is always changing and we will too.
Much love and luck,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. I already miss you.
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