Gay wizards stirring up marriage equality and superstorms 

New York’s next gay pride parade should be a huge event, with lots of marriage-themed floats filled with same-sex couples celebrating the state’s recent legalization of gay marriage. I’m sure there will be lots of catty comments bandied about over who should be allowed to wear white as “bride and groom” cake decorations are retrofitted as “top and bottom” cakes.

But at what cost?

Right now there is a sincere faction of superstitious conservatives who believe that all of our recent natural disasters — floods, tornados, and wildfires — are being caused by a rising tolerance of the homosexual lifestyle. Yes, that’s right! Gay warlocks are using arcane homosexual spells to control the natural elements and fulfill their sadistic pro-sodomizing agenda! (Lance Bass is rumored to be a 12th level Gay Warlock.)

Ridiculous, you say? If you look closely you could see just how gay these natural disasters are. The wildfires of Texas have laid a flaming path of destruction, burning everything in their path save for Bed Bath & Beyonds. The floods of Tennessee, it turns out, were equal parts water, gin, and apple pucker. And watch the tornados of the Midwest closely for signs of glitter and boa feathers.

Yep. It makes sense if you think about it. Most of the areas being ravaged by Mother Nature (total dyke, by the way) just happen to be the states with very strong conservative values. Can we blame these groups for thinking homosexuals just may be the root of all their woes?

Personally I don’t think demonizing weather-controlling gays is the way to go here. Besides the fact that it’s incredibly bigoted and hateful to citizens of our own country, it does nothing to detract from the allure of the lifestyle. I mean who wouldn’t want to command the most destructive elements of nature?

“You mean I can create tornados, floods, and firestorms by just dancing in a mesh shirt and having an endless supply of no–strings-attached sex?” Bring it on!

It seems no matter how far we progress as a society, we inevitably find a way to carry over Old World superstitions. I’m not referring to the fear of sorcery here, but the whole idea of marriage itself.

Historically the bond of marriage has never been so much about love as it’s been about property and survival — and making a community aware through legal and social contracts that two people are fucking.

Marriage has been a perverse and one-sided institution in many ways. For centuries many weddings involved what today we would consider underage girls, multiple wives were common, and arranged marriages assured that wealth would increase for one family while protecting the other from now-mutual enemies.

Up until 1967 there were state laws in this country banning interracial unions. That means at one time a pedophile could marry all the 12-year-olds he could afford in some pockets of the country just so long as none of them were black.

So where’s all this sanctity I keep hearing about?

It all comes down to equality and insecurity. People are against gay marriage mostly because they feel it lessens the value of their own marriage. Guess what — your marriage is unimportant. It’s none of my business who you sex up at night (and I certainly don’t care that you’re registered at Target, newlyweds. Go buy your own fucking shit).

Legalize gay marriage and you’ll actually find that most homosexuals don’t even want to tie the knot (they really just want to combine their love of parties and decorating). Can you blame them? I don’t think I’m all on my own in this, but

I honestly think that all these Republicans yelling about the “sanctity of marriage” are really just gay spies trying to protect their awesome promiscuous lifestyle from the ravages of marriage “equality.” It would certainly explain why they keep getting caught in scandal-making homosexual rendezvous.

Even those who allegedly hate homosexuality should be working to legalize gay unions. I mean if you really want to stop two people from giving each other blowjobs I can think of no better institution than marriage to accomplish this feat.

There’s no magic in that bedroom.

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