Mating Games 

Savage Love


Straight male, 48, married 14 years, three kids under age 10. Needless to say, life is busy at our house. My wife and I have stopped having sex. It was my decision. I get the obligation vibe combined with a vanilla sex life, and it just turns me off. We've had many conversations about it and we want to find a balance. But it always defaults back to infrequent and dull, making me frustrated and cranky. For the past two months, I've tried to just push sex out of my mind. We live mostly as parenting roommates. We used to be pretty kinky — dirty talk, foursomes, toys, porn, etc. — but all those things wear her out now, and her interest has disappeared. My guess is that she was just playing along with my kinks to keep me happy and is now over it. Is this just life as a 48-year-old married father of three? Am I being selfish for wanting more in my sex life than my wife is willing to offer?

Hard Up Husband

Is sex wearing your wife out, HUH, or is raising three kids wearing your wife out? I suspect it's the latter.

But in answer to your question: Infrequent and underwhelming sex, sometimes with an obligatory vibe, is not only the sex life a 48-year-old married father of three can expect, it's the sex life he signed up for. There's nothing selfish about wanting more sex or wanting it to be more like it was. Kids, however, are a logistical impediment — but a temporary one, provided you don't go nuclear. A couple's sex life can come roaring back so long as they don't succumb to bitterness, recrimination, and sexlessness. To avoid all three, HUH, it might help to ask yourself which is the likelier scenario: for years your wife faked an interest in dirty talk, foursomes, toys, porn, etc., in order to trap you, or your wife is currently too exhausted to take an interest in dirty talk, foursomes, toys, porn, etc. Again, I suspect it's the latter.

My advice: masturbate more, masturbate together more, lower your expectations so you'll be pleasantly surprised when a joint masturbation session blows up into something bigger and better, carve out enough time for quality sex (weekends away, if possible, with pot and wine and Viagra), discuss other accommodations/contingencies as needed, and take turns reminding each other that small kids aren't small forever.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Anna Pulley about all things lesbian:

@fakedansavage on Twitter


Latest in Savage Love

Readers also liked…



Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.