Merry Constipation 

Your schedule is filled with holiday parties, sometimes one right after another. You stand around with your little plates full of greasy hors d’oeuvre and cheese.

Meanwhile, during these chilly days, it can be easy to forget about greenery, which seems out of place in the winter landscape. And the cold temperatures flick an internal switch that makes us want to increase consumption of rich and fatty foods in order to build up a protective layer of insulation.

Christmas cookies, fondue, chicken livers wrapped in bacon … those little morsels taste better when the snow is flying, but they don’t exactly move through you like a freight train. Instead, they kind of smear their way through the digestive apparatus.

With colon cancer the number-two cancer killer of Americans, and with colon cancer’s tendency to thrive in clogged pipes, putting colon health on your list of holiday to-dos just makes sense.

John Wayne was supposedly toting an extra 40 pounds of … not quite sure what to call it … when he died. Technically, this gooey stuff would be called impacted fecal material. You could also call it intestinal cloggage. Elvis had some, too — he died on the toilet as he tried really hard to expel some of his estimated 60 pounds of cloggage. So remember, if you suffer from intestinal excess, you’re in good company. Indeed, it kind of seems like the American way — a dark little secret that hides where the sun don’t shine, a byproduct of sedentary lifestyles and high-fat, low-fiber diets.

Perhaps this isn’t the kind of holiday cheer you were hoping for when you turned to my jolly little page. Perhaps you wanted more eggnog and pudding.

OK then, here comes the feel-good holiday cheer, with help from our friends at the Washington Post who provided the inspiration — or should I say stimulation — for the following cocktail of colon-friendly holiday tips.

In case you missed it, according to a December 6 Washington Post article entitled “Mind your manners, partygoers,” there are many things that holiday merrymakers should keep in mind as they navigate the festive gauntlet this holiday season. Evidently, the savvy party guest needs many skills.

For example, “If you simply don’t like what is served, move it around the plate discreetly.”

This may be the cutting edge of discretion, but it does nothing for the health of your colon. Perhaps a better strategy would be to get off your soft ass and go get a second helping of salad. On the way, ditch that Swedish meatball or miniature pizza — either in the trash or in the dog (be sure to wish the dog a Merry Constipated Christmas). The walk to the buffet will not only do you some good, but will allow you to flirt with the hottie by the stove and tell him/her about the colonic hydrotherapy you have scheduled for next week. Chew your salad 30 times before swallowing.

Note: if you are really discreet — in the social ninja category — then put whatever you want in your mouth, chew as much as you want, then spit it out, perhaps into the dog’s mouth.

Also, according to the Post’s party tips, “Do not start arguments. Lively debate, yes; rants and tirades, no. And don’t start talking about what diet you’re on.”

Addendum: Unless of course the diet you’re on is a colon-cleansing diet, one that’s high in fiber and with supplements like psyllium husks or pumpkin seeds.

“Turn off your cell phone, pager, and other electronic devices. If you need to stay available for a babysitter, put the phone on vibrate.”

Addendum: If you’re going to set your phone on vibrate, you may as well place it where the vibratory action of the phone might shake loose some of the fecal matter stuck to the wall of your colon (you know, where the sun don’t shine).

“Avoid the temptation to snoop in the medicine chest or anywhere else in the house.”

Unless of course you’re looking for the Ex-Lax, or perhaps a Colonix brand colon-cleansing supplement because you forgot yours at home. After all, your host or hostess has a lot on his/her plate, what with getting another bottle of wine from the cellar or clearing the previous course off the table, and
doesn’t have time for your colon.

“If you drink too much to drive safely, do agree to be put in a taxi or driven home.”

But please, by all means, do drink water! After all, even a diet rich in fiber can lead to constipation when the body is under-hydrated. And shame on the authors for not suggesting an old-fashioned way to get home, one that stimulates the gastrointestinal tract to do its duty. That’s right: walk home. You know what happens when dogs take walks. In fact, if you have a good pair of gloves, or if you’re just too tipsy to stay on your feet, consider walking home on all fours. Barking and lunging at dogs behind fences is optional. Just be sure to clean up after yourself.


More by Chef Boy Ari



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