Savage Love: Get It Together 

click to enlarge 1753878.jpg

I’m the bisexual everyone loves to hate because I want to be in a poly relationship with both a man and a woman. I am a woman who is into commitment, loyalty, love, trust and honesty. I am not looking to cheat on anyone. But I discovered after one failed marriage to a man and one long-term relationship with a woman that I want to be in a romantic, sexually committed relationship with a man and a woman at the same time. This could possibly involve three-way sex, but probably not. It is more about sharing my life intimately with both a man and a woman. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I will ever find that perfect balance because so far all my potential serious partners have been turned off by the idea that I want to be with two people and believed that I should “get over it” and just be in a monogamous relationship with them—straight or gay. Should I keep searching? Is what I want as valid as what other people want? If so, how do I broach the subject without turning people off?
–Love Them Both

You are not the bisexual everyone loves to hate, LTB. You’re the bisexual everyone is looking for. Tons of MF couples are out there desperately hunting for “unicorns,” aka bisexual women who are open to dating couples. Bisexual women open to three-way sex in the context of a committed poly triad are in particularly high demand. Anyone who reads my column knows this, LTB, and presumably you’re a reader. (You wouldn’t be writing to me for advice if you hadn’t been reading the column, right?) So either you have lousy retention skills or you’re pretending not to know how in demand you are because—consciously or subconsciously—complaining about evil monosexuals and boring monogamists is more appealing to you than actually finding what you want.

You might wanna pray on that.

Moving right along: Your wants are just as valid as anyone else’s, LTB, but we don’t all get what we want. You’ll have a better chance of finding what you want if you’re open about your wants and if you refrain from dating people who don’t want the same things you want. Seek out those couples looking for unicorns, seek out poly-identified singles, and be up-front about your wants with anyone who seeks you out. Some people will be turned off when you broach the subject, LTB, but so what? Those people are wrong for you. Why would you want to waste one moment of your time and romantic energy on people who are turned off by the idea of openness and/or committed poly triads? It’s not exactly rocket science: Don’t date people who don’t want what you want and you’re likelier to wind up in relationships with people who want what you want—or, more likely, you’ll wind up in relationships with people whose wants are different but come close enough to yours that you can hammer out a workable compromise.

Because there is no settling down without settling for, LTB, and that applies to bisexual and monosexuals, monogamists and polyamorists.

Good luck.

Is it weird to find cochlear implants (a device for people with profound hearing loss that looks like a plastic circle implanted in their skull) attractive on twentysomething guys? I don’t know if it’s because I work in a field related to audiology or because it makes them look kind of vulnerable but cool at the same time. I saw two guys in a row this week with them, and I was like, damn. Is this weird? If not, how do I pick these boys up?
–Love Implant Boys

It is weird, LIB, but that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing attractive boys with cochlear implants. And you pick those boys up the same way you pick up boys who don’t have cochlear implants: You smile at them, you talk to them, you flirt with them. If you establish that the attraction is mutual, you hang out, you make out, you fuck ’em silly. You don’t necessarily have to disclose that their cochlear implants were what initially drew your eye, LIB, but be sure to tell them that isn’t the only thing you find attractive about them if you do disclose.

Tags:

More by Dan Savage

Calendar

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.