Savage Love: Head Fake 

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I’ve been mostly happily married for 15 years. I’m a straight man. I love my wife. We used to have a great sex life. But after many years, children, and just day-to-day reality, our sex life is now pretty unsatisfying. While my wife was barely GGG at the beginning, now she will not go down on me ever. We do have sex four to 10 times a month, but it is always plain vanilla. I went on Craigslist to look at the “casual encounters” ads, and after months of just looking, I replied to some. My only actual response admitted to being a man pretending to be a woman. Long story short, I let him blow me. I didn’t touch him. I just watched some straight porn while he blew me. I have done this a few times with different guys. I am not turned on by men at all, but I do enjoy the enthusiastic BJs when combined with straight porn. I can’t tell my wife about this, as it would end an otherwise good marriage.

Questions: (1) Does this make me gay, bi, or neither? (2) Do I have to stop? I have been careful to keep it pretty safe, and since I am not really attracted to or interested in these guys, it just serves to satisfy a “disproportionate sex drive” situation without the risk of any emotional cheating. I’m pretty sure if I found a woman interested in an affair or a FWB situation, it would be a much riskier emotional tightrope. One more question, I guess. (3) What should I do?
–Blow Job Secret

1. I wouldn’t call you gay or bi, BJS, seeing as you’re concentrating on straight porn during those enthusiastic man-on-man blowjobs. What you describe sounds like a mild case of “situational homosexuality,” i.e., something that otherwise straight men are sometimes forced to do “for gratification or release in a single-sex environment,” as the sex-ed website SexInfoOnline puts it. You’re not locked in prison or stuck on a pirate ship or sweltering away in a shithole like Saudi Arabia, places characterized by the “the prolonged absence of partners of the opposite sex.” You’re just a blowjob-deprived married man with access to the internet who figured out that accepting blowjobs from gay or bi men is cheaper than paying female sex workers to blow you and less entangling than entering into an affair with a woman. But you probably don’t want to describe yourself as “situationally homosexual,” as that sounds pretty damn gay, so let’s just go with “opportunistically heteroflexible,” sounds good?
2. Yes, BJS, I’m afraid you do have to stop. I would be inclined to give you a pass if you were not having sex with your wife at all—or having sex with her once or twice a year, or if your wife announced she was asexual—but you and the wife are having quite a lot of sex. If you were to contract gonorrhea or syphilis from one of your male sex partners, BJS, you would almost certainly pass the infection on to your wife before you became symptomatic and got treated. (Sorry, BJS, but unless you’re using condoms during those blowjobs, they’re not “safe.”) If telling your wife about the blowjobs now would result in the end of your marriage, BJS, imagine the results if you have to tell your wife about the blowjobs after you’ve passed a sexually transmitted infection along to her.
3. You should get your wife’s permission—maybe she’d be down with outsourcing oral duties she finds tiresome, maybe she’d like to have an adventure or two of her own—or you should knock it the fuck off.

Listen in as Dan gets drunk with NPR White House correspondent Ari Shapiro at Town Hall in Seattle:

Dan’s new book—American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics—is available now.


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