The Green Goddess 

11 Do you ever use the phrase “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down”? Can you define gray water? Do you happen to know what a carbon footprint is? For those of you who can answer yes to these questions there is absolutely no reason for you to keep reading this article. As for dumb-asses like me, keep on keepin’ on.

Honestly folks, I do know what those questions and phrases mean — in fact to the pain and anguish of my children I use “yellow mellow; brown flush it down” all the time. It is to my pain and anguish when my children get it backwards. But I digress.

The best gift I received this Christmas was a book that brought what I thought was a relatively savvy and up-to-date Green Goddess to her knees. Worldchanging: A User’s Guide for the 21st Century is a 596-page reference book covering everything under the sun that is green, sustainable, and renewable. This 2-pound handbook also gives examples of peaceful ways to protest, such as boycotting Big Brother, making protest art, and text-messaging campaigns. It even touches on rethinking the building of refugee camps and how to adopt a minefield through the United Nations Association. It’s succinct, easy to read, and filled with photos.

Being that I am a skeptic, I was sure that this mega-paper-hardbound-with-glue-and-assembled-by-underpaid-Chinese-laborers guide to being a better consumer was a gimmick, but to my surprise, publisher Harry N. Abrams printed the book with purchased wind-power credits and used chlorine-free New Leaf paper made from 100-percent post-consumer waste. And they managed to do it all in the U.S. of A.

“Huh. What does all of that wind-power credit, chlorine-free jive mean?” you may query. We thought we knew so much; so for fun let’s take an intelligence test based on the Worldchanging User’s Guide.

 

1. What does “off the grid” mean?

a. It’s time to pull over and ask for directions

b. Energizing your home by using only solar or wind power

c. You’ve lost so many of your marbles you can be committed

 

2. Which statement(s) is/are true?

a. “A green facade” describes someone who is really jealous

b. Green facades cover the outside of buildings with vertical growing greenery like ivy.

c. Green facades can counteract sweltering temperatures and help save money on cooling bills

 

3. What is Vampire Power?

a. The energy that is consumed by a plugged-in appliance even when it is turned off

b. A cult movie

c. The punch line to a bad mother-in-law joke

 

4. When a home-energy audit is performed, which of the following can occur?

a. It is determined that you are out of coffee and must buy some immediately

b. Utility companies will evaluate everything from your AC/heating units to dampness, dust, and drafts and offer solutions

 

5. LED is an acronym for what?

a. Let’s Eat Donuts

b. Light-emitting diodes

 

6. What is a “light-emitting diode”?

a. Filament-free lightbulbs that can last up to 100,000 hours and they don’t get hot

b. A common phrase used by UFO seekers

 

7. Which best describes the term “renewable wood”?

a. The result obtained with Viagra

b. Furniture that has been made from discarded timber, eliminating waste and reducing landfill mass

 

If you got them all wrong, you most likely own a Hummer and your favorite things to do are play video games, hunt woodland creatures, and collect commemorative plates.

If you got one right then you have some clue but should buy the book.

If you got them all correct then you should be writing this article (but still buy the book).

Happy shopping.

— GG

Answers: 1-b, 2-b & c, 3-a, 4-b, 5-b, 6-a, 7-b


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