Vader’s helmet appears in clouds of Amphigory and tears 

Revitalization riddum

New rhymes for we who will never meet a coral snake but still get snookered by the sharks in the SA developmental games?

Green or yellow, you lucky fellow
Red-on-black, you’re in for it, Jack

The color-coded redevelopment charts created by the Downtown Alliance on display at Cavender Cadillac’s Broadway dealership showroom recently divided the “winners” from the “losers” in the real-estate exploitation of River North.

Like an overdressed sideshow hawker, local attorney Gerardo Menchaca was doing his best to draw River North’s landed class to the populist rebellion that is the River North Improvement Association.

“Congratulations, if you’re a green you can leave. You’re a winner,” Menchaca cried. “If you are a red, go ahead and have a seat.”

But the smirking agitants rubbed those on the outer ring of the Escalades wrong.

“First, you branded me a loser, and then I don’t know that what you’re saying is true,” offered one attendee. Another said he “didn’t feel like a loser.” (Of course, the first step to recovery is admission of loserness.)

But the sideshow of awkward mobilization detracts from the RNIA’s objections to being left out of the planning process and accusations that developer Ed “Double” Cross stands to benefit too richly. Enter City Manager Sheryl Sculley with token offers to steer this wayward enterprise into the light of civil discourse and equity.

Still the most unnerving fears remain unaddressed. Pastor Bill Malcomson wants to know if anyone else noticed that the proposed River North zoning district looks like Darth Vader’s helmet.

What say ye, Jedi?*

Suit of no return

Back in Brownsville, residents are anxious to return to their lazy Parrothead existence of drowsing in the sun under giant sabal palms, sucking down sticky guava juice while their bare feet bob in the river (So, it’s a dirty, filthy stereotype dating back to the age of tintypes. What are you going to do about it? You can’t even stop a measly fence construction project!), but district-court officials have sold out to Chertoff in his infamous Declaration of Taking lawsuit against El Calaboz heroine Eloisa Tamez.

Followed by a pack of reporters and photographers, one activist, and a professor of environmental justice, Tamez led the Homeland Security contractor from E2M (who rolled up with a three-car, multi-agency posse, lights flashing) around her property for the requisite federal pre-land theft survey.

During this delightful federal demonstration of dominance, the contractor almost let one slip, Tamez said in an apostrophe-
draining account.

“‘You know, I know these lands,’ `the contractor` said. I said, ‘You know these lands?’ She said, ‘Yes, we’ve been surveying.’ And I said, ‘You’ve been surveying my lands?’ And then I repeated because she didn’t answer. I said, ‘You’ve been surveying my lands?’ And she said, ‘No, we’ve been surveying around here.’”

Better watch it, little E2M surveyor girl, cuz while the judge may have ruled for Chertoff against Tamez, there’s still a lawsuit addressed from Tamez to Chertoff waiting to be certified with a class-action request on its tail.

* Note: No portion of this Que2 was scribed by Elaine Wolff, aka spouse of District One Zoning Commish Michael Westheimer.



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