Last night, less than an hour after getting home from work, I got a call warning me that, for my own safety, I'd better lay low for awhile. I'd royally pissed off Wreckin' Belle, a Rollergirl who pivots and blocks for the Dragon Divas.
I was scared shitless.
After all, Wreckin' Belle was her team's second highest penalty-collector at the match last Sunday.
This girl collided with a brick wall and skated off unscathed and unfazed.
Fer fuck's sake, her number is .45, and she carries a club that would do massive damage if rammed up my rectum.
What the fuck was I thinking?
If I've pissed off Wreckin' Belle, I've probably also offended her teammates, including the formidable Mummy Dearest, Pain Jane and Miss Treator.
I've probably also irked Melicious, who's already described how quickly she could floor me. And I've probably made enemies of my long-lost-then-found high-school buddy Mia Hammer of the Sniperellas and my good friend Queen Elizabitch of the Sioux Fallz Dollz.
It's like I shot Cyrus in The Warriors, I ain't going to make it home alive. Someone ought to request "Nowhere to Run" for me on the radio.
How did I earn the wrath of the Rollergirls? In my last Chisme Libre post, I linked a YouTube video of Nicole getting slammed rinkside by a runaway Rollergirl. I referred to the skater as "weighty."
Again, what the fuck was I thinking? Here's why I was wrong:
1. Any dude who wants to hang onto his teeth knows better than to comment on a Southern girl's ampleness. It's just not polite. And who the hell am I to talk? Get a load of this paunch.
2. While I might try to justify the usage by explaining that the word wasn't describing her figure, but her impact, even that's ridiculous. Anyone familiar with her namesake, the Wrecking Ball, knows that destructive force isn't in the weight, but the velocity. (Note to self: Go back and relearn physics, douchebag.) The size and shape of a Rollergirl doesn't mean one thing or another; all you had to do was watch Mummy Dearest jam against Heidi Explosive.
The only excuse I can make for myself is to quote my First Rule of Relationships:
"Men are stupid; Women are evil."
Obviously, I'm a self-obsessed moron. And obviously Wreckin' Belle's evil. She's sexy as HELL, ain't she?
I'm not going to get down on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness, not without being slapped around a bit first. However, this is an honest attempt to make it up to Wreckin' Belle and all the Alamo City Rollergirls.
Can I make amends through an evening of community service? I hear the AC Rollergirls are always looking for volunteers. Dragon Divas, I await your command.
Email me, or just ring me up 210-227-0044, extension 234.