Friday, October 22, 2010

Bad Advice with Jay Whitecotton

Posted By on Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 11:21 PM

Wrong has never seemed so Right...

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Dear Whitecotton: My boyfriend is locked up in County. He promises me lots of ‘what every girl likes’, but has failed to deliver each time he's released. He now knows I'm the only one willing to put up with his s&#t as his family has all but abandoned him to my care. Should I trust him one more time, or get out while the getting’s good? - Miri County? Not that bad girl you could do a lot worse. If he was in a full on prison I’d say hold out a little, but County’s ok. Seriously his ‘Brown Star’ will only be 'kind of' gaping instead of full on black hole so you’ll have at least a few good years left. Just think of his sodomized 'poop chute' like choosing a used Toyota vs. a Chevy Cavalier one you can give to a teenage daughter and expect it to last awhile the other you can give to a teenage daughter... and go right back to County. BUT I DIGRESS...stay with him girl... whose more ready for commitment than a man in jail? It’s not like he’s going anywhere and even if he IS constantly sodomized in the group shower at least you know when he gets out he won’t be begging you for “it” every Valentine’s day... Dear Whitecotton My Grandma Just turned 84, and she's moving into my house with me and my dad. She's just getting so old she literally can't take care of herself, how should I go about this? - Conor G. A good way to ‘take care of her’ is by placing a trail of salt water taffy upon the natural enemy of the elderly a flight of stairs. For some reason old people can’t resist taffy even when it requires vertical steps Old women are also prone to osteoporosis and  as brittle as a cascaron on Cinco De Mayo By the 5th step you can tell her Betty White is doing a full frontal nude scene to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and you’re guaranteed at least a broken hip and some cerebral hemorrhaging... from the mere thought! Though you better hurry you have until this New Years Eve to enjoy a 0% estate tax but come January it can shoot up to 55% to the Government. Dear Whitecotton: Ok, I've got an issue, more than a question I guess? We went to get a sperm analysis today and it turns out that Chad is only 30% able to "knock me up". What do we do about this? Any suggestions on how to decrease those two headed deformed ‘spermies’ and create healthier ones? - Laura D. Have you considered cheating? Now is a prime example why it is important not to advance weaker genes by allowing inferior sperm to pollinate the ‘Beef Curtains’. Might I suggest seducing a black guy? Besides the physical perks and bragging rights you may have yourself a little Obama or Halle brewing inside of you Mix those genes up and advance us some evolution lady! At the very least you can abuse special services for a few years and quite possibly get a reoccurring role on Maury Povich. if you would like some advice from someone who has no business giving any... please post them here or send to facebook.com/jaywhitecotton

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