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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Steve Martin Overthrown by Egyptian Protesters

Posted By on Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 1:59 AM

In a continued show of force the Egyptian people have once again risen up and ousted another tyrant, this time in the form of King Tut, also known as Steve Martin. After the quick resignation of President Hosni Mubarak the Egyptian people found themselves in a lull. Filled with new energy and unspent angst the Egyptian people have decided to continue protesting until Steve Martin quits. “We expected a much bigger fight from Mubarek.” says protest organizer Asim Rashidi. “We were prepared for much bloodshed and were relatively surprised that he gave in so quickly.” Other insurgents echoed Asim’s point of view, many intimating a small sense of disappointment in the aftermath of their new freedom. “It seems like the world is once again listening to the Egyptian people. We must not waste this opportunity and use our voices to right other wrongs that been perpetrated upon us. First being the terrible career of Steve Martin.” No one is exactly sure why the famous American actor has been so singularly pointed out, but most assume it has much to do with his 1978 novelty single "King Tut." While reaching number 17 on the Billboard Hot 100, Martin’s song capitalized on the Egyptian craze brought on by the Treasures of Tutankhamun, a seven city tour of artifacts from the boy king's time. Now 33 years later, the people of Egypt have decided to strike back. Throwing burning LP’s of "A Wild and Crazy Guy," protesters are once again rallying together for the sake of their future.


“We will not rest until Steve Martin quits – seriously quits everything. His bluegrass tours, his crappy books. OK, we get it Steve. You like art. Constantly throwing that in everyone’s face doesn’t make you seem more intelligent. It just makes you seem like a total douche.” In response, a publicist representing Mr. Martin sent out a press release stating, “While in the span of Steve’s 40-plus year career in entertainment we cannot say there haven’t been a few duds, but to equate his career with the atrocities of former ruler Mubarek seems highly excessive.” “You know what was excessive?” says Egyptian widow Ife Mandisa. “Try sitting through 30 minutes of "Bringing Down The House." What do you think we are Steve Martin, idiots? You think Cheaper By the Dozen needs a sequel? Really, if I had to choose between watching you get it on with Queen Latifah or listen to you play banjo - I’d rather choose to take an asp and "Cleopatra" myself right in the tit.” Though many in the global community agree that demanding Steve Martin retire seems over the top, other countries have followed Egypt’s lead. Australia for one has denounced every movie Mel Gibson has made after Mad Max, while the nation of France has issued a lawsuit against Celine Dion. Lawyers representing the country are asking a Canadian court to bar her from using the term "French-Canadian" while seeking damages for defamation of character.


It’s unclear just how long Egyptian protests will continue, but with a rumored five-picture deal currently being negotiated between Disney and Mr. Martin, we all know it couldn’t have come at a better time. In an interview on ABC World Tonight, Martin was confronted with the news of Egypt’s renewed protests. His only response was, “Well Excccccuuuuuuuuuuuse . ME!”

Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible. If you are offended by any article he posts please feel free to direct all hate mail to :

The Martin/Stein Company

1528 North Curson Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90046

Phone: 323-851-4870

Care Of: Steve Martin

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