Sunday, July 15, 2012

Are Women Funny? Ugly people, Adam Carolla, and the power of vagina

Posted By on Sun, Jul 15, 2012 at 11:46 AM

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The media always needs a good "cause" — something to inflame emotions and get people interested in talking points and slogans (insert ad here). The past decade has polarized many with the gay marriage debate and as interest begins to "wane on the wang," look for a new debate to further set fire and motivate people to post long dumb blogs (like this one). Are you ready for the War on Women? Every channel and every newspaper outlet will attach themselves to this narrative from the broad (so to speak) political arena to the most specific. At its core, the issue be women's reproductive rights, but it will be blanketed with arguments so inane and banal you'll want to hang yourself naked by the laces of some sensible shoes. Arguments like "are chicks funny?" (We assume you're heard of Adam Carolla's travails of late.) The question of whether or not the ladies make us laugh should have been resolved the second some girl put on the pant suit and worked a man's job (HILARIOUS!). Women have been supplying the 'Ha Ha's' from the very beginning. Remember that time they wanted to vote? Many a handle bar mustache was a fluttering in chuckles that day! Or how about that time they spearheaded Prohibition, allowing organized crimes to grow to such a rate it still has a foothold in today's culture. Funny and profitable! Think of all the funny ladies that have brought joy to our lives. Women like Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, Madea... These gals know how to get a laugh and, might I add, not too shabby on the eyes either. Of course, the argument itself reeks of prejudice and over-generalization. Being funny is subjective at best. What tickles the rib cage of a Colombian war lord may not necessarily delight a single mother in the Midwest (especially if being tickled by an actual human rib cage). To understand this argument we have to dissect the prejudices that are inherent: prejudices like the assumption that having a vagina in any field of employment is like having a handicap in golf or bowling. The fact that men want to be inside you will always carry the stigma that women have a natural leg up in their respective fields (and in some cases two). It makes total sense; everytime I look at Roseanne Barr or Joy Behar I can't help, but think "Man! I gotta be all up in that vag!" Who could resist the sexual charms of an Ellen Degeneres sporting that '90s-era vest and pleated dockers combo? I know I can't! Many men resent women because they want to sleep with them. So when we see a woman move forward in life we feel like we missed an opportunity for our own advancement both in and out of a vagina. Let's face it, as much as we preach equality, the penis doesn't really lend itself to being a good bargaining chip. In poker terms the dick is just the "ante," while the vagina is "all in." Sure - It would be great if men had the same opportunities to sleep their way to the top, but  Sarah Silverman won't answer any of my fucking letters! (I'm always here my anti-Semitic Jewish princess... You'd have to have clicked thru the above link to grasp that one.) While this sexual dynamic has been oppressive, it has also opened many doors for women. Some of the most successful  working comediennes today just so happen to have acts built on violating and exploiting this sexual relationship. Comics like Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings have greatly benefited from using bawdy topics like rape, abortion, and male expectations to find success on stage and screen. However, I personally don't find Handler or Cummings funny at all. Does my perspective alone make them bad comics? No. Is my opinion prejudicial? Maybe. I do have to admit if someone says "Hey, check out this comic, she's funny." There is a bit of reservation on my part.  But that has nothing to do with the capability of a female comic as much as why I also tend to also ignore female musicians and actresses. Its the fact that whenever a woman is talked about in the entertainment industry in my circles looks always trumps talent. Every conversation from the top on down usually sounds like this: "Dude she's so hot ... and funny!" or "Dude, I wanna bang Gwen Stefani so bad. Oh yeah, and "Spiderwebs" is a decent song, I guess." Maybe the issue isn't whether or not women are funny, but that maybe television networks aren't really pushing the funniest women. The media at large has a very clear standard of what a funny woman should say and look like and I promise you it has nothing to do with humor. Chelsea Handler has multiple shows not because she's hysterically funny (she isn't), but because some network exec said "Men will want to fuck her and maybe someone will laugh." My own prejudice has nothing to do with women but everything to do with pretty people as a whole. I fucking hate pretty people! Ugly people are artistically better. They are funnier, better song writers, and usually smarter. Paul McCartney was considered the cute Beatle — and he looked like a beagle with Down Syndrome. If Van Gogh was really attractive he'd have died with two ears. And Don Mclean (also ugly) would've sung about Chagall (super ugly). Ugly men know this truth better than anyone else in the world, we just pretend to forget that fact when we get some money (also why second albums tend to suck). But as hard as Ugly Men have it, Ugly Women have it a thousand times worse! Even Ugly guys reject them, thinking they can do better. Can you imagine living that day-to-day horror? The whole success of Adele wasn't built on the idea of her passion and talent - it was built by everyone's thinking "how did this fat chick get on camera? She MUST be that good!" Now after a butt load of awards and accolades everyone's wondering why Adele comes across as piggy and kinda bitchy. Under those circumstances wouldn't you? The greatest crime in entertainment isn't that women don't have as much of a voice as men, but that ugly women are constantly being denied success so that pretty, vapid, sluts shaking their hips to programmed songs can be sold to the general public. Luckily this kind of thinking isn't the alpha and omega. Women are finding increasing success on stage because more and more men are starting to relate to the female perspective (despite the fact that every other man reading this just muttered the word "queer" in their minds right now — especially the progressive ones).

When women talk about weight issues and shopping I find myself empathizing based on my own real experiences. The humiliation of trying to buy a size 38 at a mall while some skinny clerk tries to phantom the idea that Express Jeans come in anything more than a 29 is very real to me.

Since the metrosexual boom of 2003 men have started embracing some of the best aspects of women, openly expressing empathy and weakness. Emotions once deemed "totally gay."

Meanwhile many women are starting to adopt some of the worst qualities in men. Bragging about one night stands, using men for their bodies, heavy drinking, and viewing emotion as a weakness. None of this heralds real gender equalization as much as its reflects some people changing sides.

Maybe like the media says, there really is a "War on Women." If it is true then maybe women are finally choosing the right weapons to defend themselves and progress socially.

Lets face it: promiscuity, emotionless rationality, and drunken, gluttonous abandon has served men very well for many, many years.

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This is a blog written by Jay Whitecotton. You can email him your hate speech here or add him on twitter.com/whitecotton.


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