San Antonio comedian Larry Garza picks his 11 favorite cancer jokes told at his roast and fundraiser

click to enlarge Garza headlined his own living memorial-slash-roast at LOL Comedy Club on Dec. 29. - Todd Larson
Todd Larson
Garza headlined his own living memorial-slash-roast at LOL Comedy Club on Dec. 29.
The Roast of Larry Garza turned out to be a success at the LOL Comedy Club Wednesday night — and, fortunately, the guest of honor survived all the insults without the aid of a defibrillator. With 23 comedians and non-comedians on the dais and an assortment of special guests, the jabs came faster than you could say “radical nephrectomy.”

Garza, the co-founder of the sketch comedy crew Comedia A Go-Go, was diagnosed with Stage 4 kidney cancer in 2016. He started dialysis treatment after doctors removed his last remaining kidney this past summer. Instead of a memorial, he chose to headline his own Comedy Central-style roast and fundraiser.

You can continue to help Garza fight the good fight by donating to him and his family via Venmo (@LarryGarza), CashApp ($LarryGarzaComedy) or by visiting their GoFundMe page.

Full disclosure: Larry and I became friends after I wrote a cover story on him five years ago. I participated in the roast.

If you didn’t make it out to the show or didn’t get a chance to livestream the event, you can see the roast in its entirety below. If you just want some of the highlights, here are the 11 best cancer jokes told at The Roast of Larry Garza — as chosen by none other than the roastee himself, Larry Garza.

Just a word of warning before you dive in: some of these jokes may push the boundaries of sensitive readers. Don’t say you weren’t cautioned.

11. “Larry reminds me of an android phone. He’s alive for two days, but then needs to be plugged into a wall or he’ll die.” — Raymond Orta

10. “Larry’s had cancer for so long, I can’t even use it as an excuse at work anymore.” — Christopher Breakell

9. “This is going to be a long night and, unfortunately, since we’re not doing this at Larry’s funeral, he’ll notice if we leave early.” — Regan Arevalos

8. “This has to be the fanciest super spreader I’ve ever been to. Does anyone else get the feeling Larry’s trying to take us with him?” Albert Vasquez

7. “Larry and I were on the road for a gig in Paris, Texas. Took nine hours because Larry had to piss every 45 minutes. I’d bet we’d make great time now.” — Javi Luna

6. “[Larry], you look like a Mexican crackhead. You look like you smoke ice but are also afraid of ICE.” Bralynn Bell

5. “There’s no intermission tonight. Since Larry doesn’t have to piss, I guess he thought none of us did either.” Susie Hamilton

4. “I saw [Larry] kill stages all over the nation. The only stage he couldn’t kill was Stage 4.” — Aaron Suarez

3. “[Larry’s] on a special diet that prevents him from eating avocados, potatoes, spinach, etc. But nowhere did I see your wife’s pussy.” — Tori Pool

2. “I don’t think we’ll see another Spurs championship in [Larry’s] lifetime. But there’s always next year.” Kiko Martinez

1. “Next time I talk to [Larry] will be through a Ouija board.” Joshua Cabaza

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