Savage Love: Phones & Bones

I'm a 29-year-old gay trans man. On female hormones, I took a long time to come and usually wouldn't come at all. I always enjoyed sex; I just wasn't focused on coming. My partners would or wouldn't, depending on their preferences. Since starting testosterone a few years ago, I now come quickly and easily. (Sometimes too quickly and easily.) My problem is that after I come, like most men, I'm done with sex. And the stronger the orgasm, the truer this is. A while ago, after a really fun time, I woke to find that I'd accidentally fallen asleep and left my longtime hookup buddy to fend for himself. Other times, I'm just tired and/or turned off. I definitely don't want anyone inside me (it hurts), and while I've tried mustering enthusiasm for blowjobs, hand jobs, etc., my attempts come across as pretty tepid. So in the context of both ongoing relationships of various sorts and hookups, what's the etiquette? I've found myself just avoiding things that'll push me to come, because I don't want to be rude. And since I've always enjoyed sex without orgasms, this doesn't bother me mostly. But once in a while, I would like to come. How can I do this and still take care of the other guy?

Not Good At Sexy Abbreviations

Use your words, NGASA: "If it's not a problem, I'd rather come after you do—my refractory period kicks in hard when I come and, like other men, I briefly lose interest in sex. On top of that, I'm a terrible actor. So let's make you come first or let's try to come at the same time, okay?"

My wife and I are bisexual — we're a man and woman — and we've been tiptoeing right up to the edge of organizing a threesome or swap through 3nder. But we haven't gone through with it yet — too many flakes and fakes. But we have no complaints — just contemplating a threesome has put amazing energy back into our sex life. Is there a name for the explosive sex you have with your longtime partner when you're anticipating a group scene or threesome? If not, can we suggest the neologism "presome"? Rhymes with threesome!

Married With Anticipated

High Jinks

The phenomenon you describe — the insanely hot sex a couple has before a threesome or other sexual adventure — has been noted by sex researchers and couples counselors. Dr. Margie Nichols, a psychologist and sex therapist, told the New York Times she frequently urges the non-kinky couples she sees to emulate kinky couples. "Kinky couples plan sex," Nichols told Amy Sohn, "and simmer for days in advance."

Many couples in the planning stages of a threesome do a lot more than simmer: Like you and the wife, MWAHJ, they find themselves having hot twosomes in anticipation of the impending (and hopefully hot) threesome. I think "presome" is a wonderful term to describe that kind of sex — I'm officially endorsing your proposed neologism — but I don't think it works as well for four-way swaps, group sex, BDSM play parties, etc., because it obviously rhymes with/riffs on "threesome." But it's an excellent term to describe the situation you and the wife are in.

To describe the sex you'll have in the wake of your first successful threesome, I would propose the term "postsome."

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