Spittin' Game

Superman Returns Electronic Arts Xbox 360, Playstation 2 $49.99-59.99

Drop $60 for this and you’re mostly buying a valuable life lesson. Superman video games are like movies featuring Martin Lawrence in drag. No one’s made a good one, ever, and they never will. Please stop giving these evil people money. At least this time EA’s found a next-gen-way of screwing up by trying like hell to out-GTA Spider-Man 2 with nonlinear sandboxiness. Unfortunately EA tried so hard to make Superman’s adventure more open-ended that the game designers apparently forgot to add a few things like objectives and enemy A.I. and the part where you do shit. So keep your money, you can learn the same lesson renting Big Momma’s House.

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Lost Planet Capcom Xbox 360 $59.99

Warning: I’m about to completely geek out. Any hot chicks or people I know in real life should skip to the next review; it’s about to get embarrassing.

OMG, guys, this game is cooler than Captain Picard punching Darth Vader in the face. Realistic snow-covered planet physics and some awesome-ass, flying trilobite-looking aliens to aim your rocket launcher at. And holy MF, I haven’t mentioned the mechs yet. This game is even cooler than it sounds. And a hell of a lot cooler than I sound.

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Blitz: The League Midway Xbox 360, Playstation 2 $49.99-59.99

We try to put it out of our minds, but as human beings it’s our fate to live with the sad knowledge of the terrible but inevitable fact: Eventually, football season ends. Stuck between the Super Bowl and the Combine, I sometimes catch myself wondering what happened to the  XFL.

Apparently the people at Midway have been thinking the same thing, because they’ve recreated the league in all its immature glory. One look at the cheerleaders uniforms or the slow-mo X-Ray cam shot accompanying injuries, and you’ll realize that Midway’s discovered the secret formula for football methadone, and the first step is hiring a programming team of ‘roid raging 14-year-olds with boners.