Submariner subterfuge

Perhaps “don’t be hypocritical” would’ve been a better motto for Google to recklessly abandon. Although that slogan gets confusing if you think about it too much.

The company recently made news by bestowing yet another miraculous tool upon the world. The newest version of its Google Earth application now includes Google Ocean, a feature that purportedly allows users to explore the vast ocean depths, from the Mariana Trench to other undersea landmarks of note.

But beneath the surface — forgive the pun — of this supposedly striking achievement lurks one of the greatest lies ever perpetrated upon mankind. 

Where are the hallowed halls of Atlantis, royal underwater city of the sea people? What has happened to Bikini Bottom and its pants-wearing poriferan?

If one knows where to look, a cursory examination of Google Ocean reveals that images of these underwater colonies have been replaced with pictures of flat seabed. A more thorough examination reveals not a single glimpse of an Atlantean mermaid caught unawares by Google’s cameras.

It’s clear what has occurred: Once again, Google has used its power over information to craft an alternate version of reality for the masses to consume. If you’ll recall, the company censored its Google Earth imagery after certain nations complained that it revealed sensitive government structures. And the Google China search engine complies with the country’s stringent censorship laws, undermining its very purpose.

Google claims the complexity of mapping the entire ocean stalled the release of this update for more than a year, but this falsehood was surely contrived to cover for its lengthy negotiations with Prince Namor. I have no doubt the already substantial riches of Messrs. Larry Page and Sergey Brin are now bolstered with priceless treasures from Atlantis’s vaults.

By revealing the locations of their underwater colonies, the sea-peoples could surely create a thriving tourism industry. Moneyed human travelers would pay through their air-breathing noses to mingle with the snorkel-headed creatures of Snorktown. Reacquainting the Snorks with humans of today could also mend the damage done by our ancestors, who nearly fished the colorful ocean people to extinction for their tender, noodle-like head appendages — a popular savory delicacy at one time.

But thanks to Google’s constant self-aggrandizement, that meeting will not occur. The company has essentially deified itself by withholding knowledge that rightly belongs to all mankind, and made itself rich by doing so.

But do not despair, friends, for I offer you a chance to sup on the forbidden fruit. My sources have given me the location of the fabled mermaid sunbathing grounds, so interested (and wealthy) parties should contact me with haste to arrange a tour. Mermaid sightings not guaranteed. •


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