How to Tell If You're a Damn Bro

First, an apology: Sorry it took two months for us to get to Saytown’s own 51 Acres and their new album, Thousand Miles Away. It’s a well-recorded, fluid work, which is saying a lot for a band best known for its live performances. I’ll admit, though, I’m not the sort of music fan who can get into these heirs to the jam-rock throne previously occupied by Dave Matthews Band and Phish. Instead, here’s a questionaire to determine how much you will appreciate the album. I call it, “How to Tell if You’re A Damn Bro, V1.0 .”

 I am male. (1 point)

  My default exclamation of disbelief is “Damn, bro!” (2 points)

 I discovered early1990s music in the early 2000s. (2 points)

 I had a Bob Marley “Legends” poster on my dorm-room wall. (1 point)

 I don’t own an acoustic guitar, but I can play Creedence
       Clearwater Revival on one. (1 point)

 I won’t admit it, but I prefer VH1 to MTV. (2 points)

 My car stereo is tuned to Mix 96.1 FM. (2 points)

 I’ve driven across the state to see Dave Matthews Band,
       Counting Crows, or Blues Traveler. (3 points)

 I am frequently seen wearing a hemp bracelet, cargo shorts, or  
       a baseball cap that doesn’t advertise a baseball team. (1 point each)

 I respect Phish, but I don’t have the attention span for them. (1 point)

 I own more Pearl Jam live bootlegs than actual
       Pearl Jam albums. (2 points)

 I moved to Texas from Oklahoma, Kansas, or Nebraska. (1 point)

       I’ve worked at  ...
 (a) for a beer company (1 point)
 (b) a promotions stand (1 point)
 (c) a summer camp. (1 point)

  I miss Lollapalooza. (1 point)

 This year, my girlfriend bought me a new bong or a new
       set of bongos. (2 points each)

 Oakley sunglasses are dope. (1 point)

 I got a tattoo in college, but you can only see it when I have my
       shirt off ... which is pretty much always. (1 point)

 I have already seen 51 Acres live. (1 point)

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30 – 35 points.   Damn, bro, that’s the dope groove. Where’s my harmonica?

25 – 30 points.   Do I file this under F for 51, or D for “Damn, Bro!”?

15 – 25 points.   Dawg, why buy it when I can just see them live
                         tonight, tomorrow night, the night after, and so on,
                         until the Grateful Dead rise again?

0 –15.                Genero-jam just ain’t my thing.