Alt prez

Just two candidates for president? Hardly. We’ve got more than 100, deluded losers and promising dreamers all begging for attention in America’s sideshow election. You’ve got outraged Ralph Nader to kick around again. But you also have Daniel Kingery, “Your Handy-Man President,” who would fix this country as surely as he’d fix the ceiling in your bathroom.

And just because every one of them will lose, that’s no reason to ignore them. After all, McCain or Obama will lose, too, just like the Handy-Man. Only Daniel won’t have a U.S. Senate seat to fall back into.

These candidates believe that if you could just hear their messages, you’d vote for one of them. And they’re loaded with solutions. Housing-market crisis? Gone if Larry Schuetter of Suisun City, California, wins and institutes his 100-year mortgage plan.

Obama and McCain are wussy wonks compared to Larry. Besides, they’re probably putting you to sleep by now. Before your mind rots from tepid repetition, put some excitement into the election by turning your eye to the real American candidates — the truck driver, the conspiracy theorist, the farmer, the vampire, the school teacher, and assorted blowhards.

Half of you probably won’t vote, so this election is entertainment for you anyway. An estimated 40 percent of you who do vote consider yourselves independent politically, but one fundamental fallacy dooms all Alt Prez candidates to failure. Tell someone that you’re voting for a third-party candidate and he or she will whine,  “You’re just throwing your vote away.”

No you’re not. You can do whatever you want with your vote. If you’re a liberal, your vote doesn’t automatically belong to the Democrats, no matter what those kleptomaniacs say.

Most voters confuse the election for a football game, and their insistence that you only vote for a potential winner is nonsense. Besides, the chance that your vote will actually make a difference is less than your chance of winning the lottery. Say you vote for McCain, and he wins your state by more than one vote: your vote wasn’t necessary. Only on the lightning-strike chance that your guy does win your state by your one vote will you ever be the kingmaker (assuming you live in what turns out to be the pivotal swing state). So don’t succumb to the Dark Sides; find your Alt Prez.

Race For 3rd Place:
Cynthia McKinney

The Green Party of the United States did not go for former Current staffer Kat Swift as its Presidential nominee, picking instead Cynthia McKinney, the former Georgia Congresswoman who was a Democrat until recently. McKinney did something no presidential candidate has ever done before, picking hip-hop artist and activist Rosa Clemente as her VP running mate. It makes sense if you consider the slogan on McKinney’s website: “We have to do things we’ve never done before in order to have things we’ve never had before.”

President McKinney would:

• Push for a living wage
• Change the Department of State to the Department of Peace
• Create a single-payer health-care system

• Implement solutions to global warming
• Reduce fossil fuel consumption
• Generate jobs in alternative energies and conservation
• Get the country to apologize for slavery and the genocide of Native Americans

Priority No. 1 for the Greens is fostering grassroots democracy, and 200 Greens across the country hold local offices. McKinney hopes to leverage that local strength into 5 percent of the popular vote for President, which could get Greens a seat at the table like their counterparts in other countries enjoy.

Prediction: Though looking good at the local level, the Greens will continue to slip on the national stage, with McKinney finishing sixth.

Chuck Baldwin

Baldwin, candidate for the Constitution Party and a Baptist preacher from Pensacola, Florida, hopes some of Ron Paul’s bewildered supporters will wander his way. And that is the way of limited government and an unwavering respect for the Constitution, “interpreted according to the actual intent of the Founding Fathers.” Chuck will do the interpreting.

Dr. Baldwin has a pretty good campaign going, complete with money. He actually travels around the country, touring Southwestern border cities to promote his demand for the fence — and throwing illegal aliens over it.

In 2004, the Constitution Party, formerly known as the U.S. Taxpayers Party, pulled in 143,000 votes for President. This election, Chuck expects to be on the ballot in 43 states, which proves he’s serious. He occasionaly exclaims that he actually thinks he can win, however, suggesting that he’s crossed the line between devotion and delusion.

As President, Chuck would:

• Stop foreign entanglements and pull out of Iraq completely
• Kill the Patriot Act
• Allow man-woman marriages only
• End abortion on demand with a crafty Roe v. Wade end run
• Repeal the income tax, and slap a 10-percent tariff on imports
• Respect the Christian God, though Muslims, Jews, and even atheists would still be allowed to vote

Prediction: Winning over scores of disaffected Libertarians, Chuck Baldwin will come in 5th.

The Anti-Chuck

Daniel Kingery is a self-employed odd-jobber from Wilcox, Arizona, who traveled the country campaigning (28 states) until he recently had to sell his 1986 Crown Vic and video camera for bus fare home from Indiana. At one point, he had a campaign fund of more than $15,000 (only $176 from contributions), which is unusual for most independent candidates. Even though he saved money by sleeping in his car, his campaign coffers are empty. He’s still trying, sending out 200 emails a day.

Like Chuck Baldwin, Daniel also wants to uphold the Constitution, only he thinks we need to close some loopholes. First, change the USA from a republic to a representative republic, whereby the people tell their elected officials what to do. Second, make betrayal of the public trust by an elected person a treasonable offense.

He’s mapped out a detailed repair plan for the country with what he calls Domino-Effect Solutions. Daniel on abortion: “Constitutionally, U.S. law and state laws can only regulate citizens or residents. U.S. Constitution defines citizen as one born or naturalized. Therefore, only those born can be protected by U.S. law or the laws of any state.”

For more Handy-Man wisdom, go to


Fearless foreign policy

“Make Iraq the 51st state.” — Gary Ruff, a truck driver from Arlington, Texas, who can now cross “Run For President” off his list of things to do before he dies.

Irresistible website buttons

“Attempts on My Life” — Jeff Boss of Guttenberg, New Jersey, who is sure that 9/11 was a National Security Agency job.

“Why Soy Wax” — Danny Hinkle of Reno, Nevada, who cares about the aromatic candle industry. Danny thinks he might get lucky and win, though his girlfriend just doesn’t see herself in the White House.

Operation Osama

Ruth Bryant White, a black female candidate from Henderson, Nevada, would unleash Duane “Dog” Chapman to roam foreign lands in a search for fugitives from U.S. justice. Bin Laden would be in Gitmo before Groundhog Day.

You be the VP

“Steve needs a peep to be his veep,” says Steve Kissing, pictured on his website offering you a seat in the empty chair next to him. Might be a good gig. The independent candidate from Cincinnati, Ohio, is honest, admitting that he stole $25 from his church when he was a kid, jaywalks all the time, and has been to a few strip clubs (“which are some of the most depressing places on earth”). He’d pull us out of Iraq fast, and give the largest ticker-tape parade ever for the troops, with Bush and Cheney required to cut up all the paper by hand. To apply for VP, go to, where you can also have the candidate kiss your baby, digitally.

Nazis tetreat

The National Socialist Order of America caught a bad break when their presidential candidate John Taylor Bowles suffered a massive heart attack. Down but not dead yet, Bowles suspended his campaign of promoting the ideals of Adolf Hitler and making the country a better place for the white race. You can send contributions and/or get-well cards to the NSOA, and they’ll make sure that Herr Bowles gets them.

Scary campaign moment

Independent candidate Donald K. Allen of Youngstown, Ohio, was flummoxed when he was heading to a radio interview in Rockford, Illinois, and realized he had forgotten his American flag pin. He looked all over town, including Wal-Mart, with no luck. He finally found one just in time to make it to his interview properly flagged, causing him to ask of the blogosphere: “Why aren’t they for sale everywhere?” Allen would go to war with Russia if they don’t pull out of Georgia within 24 hours, he’ll go the distance in Iraq, and, being a sensitive veterinarian, he would put the weight of his administration behind shutting down puppy mills.

Best idea from a vegetable

Operation Vidalia Onion — rings of defense! This is the strategic masterstroke of independent candidate Robert “In Rob We Trust” Jorgensen, who lives on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Rob, who’s of “Danish and Swiss German” ancestry, says his defense plan was inspired by the Swiss, and calls for the first onion ring to be positioned around the U.S. border some time after he is elected. •

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