Dear Uncle Mat

I want to tell you about my horrible Valentine’s Day. I am single, I don’t give a fuck about the stupid holiday. I think it is another excuse for people to be super-stupid and make other people feel even more crappy than they already do. It was invented by greedy evil vampires. I don’t want a Valentine, but I wouldn’t mind a boyfriend. Someone nice to spend my weekends with and have hot sex with. That’s all.

I spent my Valentine’s night and day after listening to two of my good friends bitch and whine about how horrible V-Day was for them because their boyfriends didn’t spend the entire 24 hours kissing their asses. Seriously! Both guys had really shitty days and didn’t make Valentine’s because of this. They explained it to the girls. That’s how I know. One guy almost lost his job because of a mistake he didn’t make and the other dude was at the hospital with his sick mother. His sick mother! I swear I wanted to stuff this girl’s head in her own <expletive removed>! Her boyfriend is super-cool and his mom just had surgery the day before and he didn’t want her to be alone on Valentine’s Day in the hospital.

The other girl’s boyfriend can be kinda ignorant and it was probably his fault he almost lost his job despite what he said, but give him some slack! Right? I am lonely. I spend every Friday night either at home alone or out with whatever friend’s perfect little boy toy has a prior commitment. Fuck! I am pretty, I work out, I have a great body, I have a career, I am studying for my MBA online, I am fun, and I am good in bed! I made a guy cry once his orgasm was so good! Why am I single!? And why do I have to listen to these ungrateful bitches complain about their shitty V-Day?! I am open to your suggestions.

— VD victim

Dear VD Victim,

Are a lot of people scared of you? I understand that you had a bad day, but I think you might have an anger issue. You said you work out, but I suggest taking up a contact sport like roller derby or rugby. Therapy is also good. I have a therapist and he encourages small expressions of my pent-up frustrations. You might throw a little meditation in there while you’re at it, and don’t buy guns.

You are right about your friends, mostly. Sometimes guys have real and good excuses for messing up and falling short of our expectations. Being in the hospital with one’s sick mother is almost too good of an excuse, really. Same with almost getting fired. Add almost getting dumped to that and I think that chap had a pretty rough any day. Good excuses still require proper delivery and they still don’t make people feel better. “I’m spending Valentine’s alone because my boyfriend’s mom almost died yesterday. Who wants tea and cookies?” isn’t going to happen.

Nor should you maim your friends for complaining to you. This is what friends do: Listen to problems. You might tell your friends that you are particularly sensitive about being single and find boyfriend rants emotionally chapping. Sometimes we just have to take one for the team, though.

Do you brag to guys about this crying-orgasm thing? Speaking for myself and, I think, most men, crying in bed is not a desired outcome. Ever. Tears of joy or not. It’s kind of uncomfortable when someone cries when you’re naked. I’m just saying that particular trick might be kept secret till later in the relationship. Like after marriage. Or for your lesbian mistress. Girls dig tears more than guys. Guys like sports and having their egos petted.

You seem very busy. You have a career, you go to school, and you’re physically active. You might be single because of priorities. This is OK. Enjoy school and friends and the gym. Climb that corporate ladder. A relationship will happen when you have time and your life is settled and ready. And when you do get a boyfriend, don’t make V-Day plans. It’s the best way to avoid repeating the cycle.

Much love and inner peace,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected] or Your true identity is safe with him.


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