I think I have feelings for my roommate and best friend’s boyfriend. He and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She works weekend nights and we meet up and hang out watching TV or having drinks or whatever till she is off of work and then we all go out. They have been having some fights lately and I don’t think either one is in the wrong. I just think they are not meant for each other. He and I, on the other hand, have a lot in common. We talk about sports and fashion (I know; how cool is it that he like fashion?!) and we both love horror films. She is very intellectual and into politics and watches PBS and CNN and shit like that. Don’t get me wrong — she is cool and we all love to go out and see live music together.
It makes me sad and frustrated to see them both unhappy. They both tell me they love the other person, but it doesn’t show. I think she stays with him for the sex. He just doesn’t know any better. This is the first girl he’s been with for any length of time and I think he is afraid he wouldn’t find another girlfriend. But that is not true! How can I tell them? I have tried to drop hints that maybe they should take a break or see other people, but neither is budging. I am kind of freaked out. It is becoming harder for me to hang out with them. I love them both and just want us all to be happy! How do I negotiate this?
— The right girl
Dear Righty,
NO! Stop yourself! Go to the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “Bad me!” Nice girls get their own boyfriends, they don’t take their roommates’. He isn’t a pint of ice cream. You need to stop hanging out with them or at least him alone. Date someone else. Invite other friends along for the pre-party. You need other friends and your own date(s). Get your own life. They can be a part of it, but another couple should not be the center of it. You are on dangerous ground.
Even if your relationship with this guy has been innocent up to this point, it won’t look that way from your friend’s point of view if their relationship goes south. Advising her to break up with her boyfriend so you can date him is tainted advice, and your feelings for him could be distorting your perspective of their relationship. Imagine how she’ll feel when you start dating the dude you just convinced her to dump. This guy would hopefully have the sense not to date his ex-girlfriend’s best friend and roommate immediately after a break-up anyway. Do you even know if he likes you like that?
Wait! Don’t answer or ask him or even think about it anymore.
It may be that they are not meant for one another and the relationship is doomed, but sticking your nose in there in an attempt to pick up the table scraps is going to really fuck things up. Friends do not date their friends’ ex-boyfriends. At least not for the first three months after a break-up and then only with explicit permission. It is a bad idea to interfere, period. Let the relationship run its natural course. If it ends and months (months!) later new relationships form and everyone is happy, congratulations! For now, move on.
Much love and luck in finding your own man,
Your Uncle Mat
p.s. Why don’t you post links from MySpace to your column anymore? Do you not want people to read it?
I do want you and all my MySpace friends to read the column every week, but I am often lazy and sometimes quite busy. I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but you know there is a link on the page to the San Antonio Current’s front page (sacurrent.com), so you can always find my column there. I am your uncle, not your mother. You have to do some things for yourself or wait till I am famous enough to hire an assistant.
Much love and little more effort from both of us,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected] or
Myspace.com/yourunclemat. Your true identity is safe with him.
