Dear Uncle Mat

I used to be a fat and unattractive gay man. Guys at the bar would pinch at my flappy waistline and mock my homemade and tightly fitted XXL Ace Of Base T-shirt. The ugly men would still buy me drinks and exchange numbers, but I was not attracted to them. After dropping 80 pounds and building more muscle, I’m still a troll magnet. What am I doing wrong? How can I become the center of attention? How can I attract the hot guys while still wearing an Ace Of Base T-shirt?

— Kiss My Ace

Dear Ace,

Losing 80 pounds and putting on a little muscle doesn’t make one attractive. If it were that easy, a lot more people would be hot. Hell, I’d lead a hot parade to work every day. Unfortunately it’s a bit more complicated. Ultimately there are things like symmetry and physiology that science tells us are predetermining factors for mutual attraction. The fact that Jack Nicholson is considered sexy by anyone informs us that there are exceptions to the rules and they are mostly related to personality. I am not saying you are ugly, but you may not be playing the role of the attractive person yet.

You are either the center of attention or you are not. Movies where the ugly misfit gets a makeover and everyone then dotes on her/him also portray a significant emotional evolution as well. The attention is the result of charisma, talent, and other compelling qualities. Read: confidence. If you still feel like the fat guy who is looking for validation in his new hottie skin, others will sense your low self-esteem and neediness and be turned off. If you are happy and having fun, others will want to be around you. Did you drop your family and friends at the Goodwill with your fat jeans? These are the people you should be out with. Quality friends are the best advertisement you can have.

Dressing the part is important, too. I am not sure what a homemade Ace of Base T-shirt looks like. Does it flatter your new figure? If it is the same old XXL and it fits like a toga now, then you need to make another. No matter what size you are, wearing clothes that fit is important. Watch What Not to Wear on TLC. Unfortunately they only help women now, but you’ll still get an idea how to look at yourself and choose clothing,

It is a pretty small percentage of the population that admires people who make their own clothing. Having your own unique style is great, but can also scare people away. They might think you are hot but way too cool or smart or creative or crazy. I used to have a huge crush on this guy I would see at the bar back in Tacoma, Washington. After at least a year of pining for him, we ended up drunk and making out, and I discovered he always liked me — but thought I was intimidating because I wore glasses and seemed “very intellectual.” Truth be told, he was actually kind of dim and most likely found dogs to be intellectual, but I think you get my point. After getting dressed to go out, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Do I look approachable? Would a soccer mom from the ’burbs stop and ask me for directions?” Don’t sell out, but be realistic in your expectations.

Do you talk to the hot guys? If you are unwilling to approach them, why should they bother with you? This goes back to the confidence thing. If you address someone like an equal, then you are more likely to be treated as such. You might glean some helpful insights from reading Lord of the Flies.

Hit the gym more than the bar. You are more likely to find a companion who will appreciate what you are doing for yourself and help you maintain and develop a healthy lifestyle at the gym or local health-food store. You improved your physical stature, how about the rest of you? I‘ve said it before, but why not go to the local theater or some art openings or volunteer somewhere? To quote Björk, “There is more to life than this.”

Much love, more depth, and a hottie for you,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
[email protected] or Your true identity is safe with him.

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