Dear Uncle Mat

Dating in SA is like going to the effin’ dentist to get your wisdom teeth pulled without Novocain or laughing gas. Why is SA such a hard place to meet someone? I went from a husband to a girlfriend to a young artist boy from Houston to just fucking. My friends encouraged me to join only for me to hear from the weirdest men in Texas. I mean seriously, are these guys real? I canceled that subscription fast.

My life is active in the art community, my work keeps me surrounded by men all day, and I have a wealth of wonderful circles I run around in. Still, I always find myself as the third wheel or the last girl standing.

I am a full-figured Chica, or as someone said to me the other day, “THICK,” but even in my not-so-thick days men just were not available. Young boys love the adventure and the older grown men run around thinking there is always something better out there so why commit.

The thing is that I don’t want to get married. Cohabitation, maybe after a few years of keeping company. I love my time alone. Basically, I am a strong, independent, attractive, THICK, educated, money-in-the-bank-with-a-job Chica. WTF is wrong with men in SA? What does a Girl have to do to meet someone worth more than just a 69?

— Looking for love in all the wrong places ...

Dear Ms Tries-A-Lot,

I was talking to a brand-new friend who is in a relationship, and when I mentioned your predicament (no worries, I was discreet and she’s from Chicago), her only comment was, “She is getting a decent 69 and she’s complaining? Greedy bitch!” I am not saying that your life is complete, but appreciate the green grass you are getting mowed.

You are definitely trying. Men, women, and boys, oh my! My reference is not a coincidence or born of a fondness for Ms. Garland. Sometimes there is no place like home and we have known the answer all along: Maybe it’s time to stop chasing and fucking and worrying. I think that after a serious breakup (the divorce) and another long-term relationship or two that didn’t work out, you should take a break. Sit out the next couple of rounds. Life is not a set path with a predestined agenda, but it is sometimes very accommodating to our needs, whether we realize it or not. San Antonio has a small but constantly multiplying pool of eligible singles. Take a year or two off and let it grow a colony of shiny new candidates for you.

As a society we put a lot of value on relationships. Get married, make rugrats, buy land, and die — it is essential to our identity in contemporary culture. You’ve been there and done that; you said so yourself. Stop mimicking the crowd if your answer isn’t there. After all, only Queens and whores are remembered and measured by whom they married. There is great joy and satisfaction in being single. How is your career? Your family? Who is your best friend? How many languages do you speak? Set some goals that are about you; have some fun. This is your life. Go to Europe. Learn how to say 69 in Italian or swim with sharks.

If you make it work, I bet a nice healthy relationship will come right along and ruin it.

Let’s talk briefly about being “thick.” How much does it bother you? You can have perfectly healthy self-esteem and be dissatisfied with an aspect of your outward image. I gather that you are comfortable with your body, but troubled by your size. You can be a well-adjusted and confident feminist and still want to lose weight or love your full-figured curves and still desire to shape them up. Do not be unrealistic or overly self-critical, but if you want a change, accept it and pursue it. Your life is your perspective.

Much love and inspiration,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
[email protected] or Your true identity is safe with him.

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