Dear Uncle Mat

Ever since I jumped in bed with my neighbor in reform school, I have pursued this kind of activity. I don’t go out of my way to look 4 gays, but I do run across them once in a while. Even though I have not been the receiver and am strictly a top person, would i still be considered gay? I also followed this pattern in prison 3 or 4 times per year, the max. For me it is easier to pursue a gay than a female. Why? Also a while back, I was checkin’ out the video on beheadings in Iran I think and now I’m gettin all these pop-ups on

— Note to Self 

Dear Self,

At first I thought this might be one of those weird emails with a random text body and a link at the end. I used to use, and unless things have changed in the last two years, this would strike me as a severe marketing conversion. So either way — conceptual marketer or troubled soul, I am going to address this “note to self.”

I really can’t tell you if you’re gay. Only you know that. Some men have an amazing ability to rationalize anything that gives them an orgasm. You might be more comfortable pursuing men for sex because you are more comfortable with men emotionally as well as physically. If you are gay and were raised to believe that you’re straight no matter what, it will take time to sort yourself out. It’s a process, but you’ll make it through.

Doing it in prison or reform school is not really gay unless it’s in a porno. Its hard not to have sex with another guy in any mono-gender school, let alone locked up in reform school in your teenage years. There are penises everywhere. That is totally natural, gay or straight. My understanding is that sex between men in prison is not uncommon either, and best if consensual. I haven’t been to prison, so I don’t know if that is a gay myth or the truth.

It doesn’t matter what position you like to do it in. I have heard guys say that it doesn’t make you gay if you’re a top because it’s just a hole. I’ve also heard that it doesn’t make you gay to be a bottom because you’re just doing a buddy a favor. They all sound like the rationalizations of closeted men to me.

If you like sex with men, you like sex with men. Being gay is more than that. Being gay is about desiring and fulfilling a true emotional connection between yourself and another man. The key word is intimacy not sex. Wanting to bugger guys makes me mostly gay, but wanting to wake up with a man next to me in bed day after day and buy a house and adopt dogs and kids and cats together and mow the lawn while singing show tunes and drinking the grapefruit-mint margarita my husband made from scratch is what makes me totally gay.

Now it takes a little time to move from acknowledging to accepting to embracing one’s own sexuality, but listen to yourself and seek out friends and family who will be supportive no matter who you turn out to be or love.

Now about these beheading videos. I’m unsure of which ones you speak specifically. I have a weak stomach for beheadings, so I skipped the research here. I am thinking that you might have visited a website that had a specific audience. Possibly a news server that caters to the gay community or just another site that same day? The pop-ups may have nothing to do with the beheadings (I can only hope), or the website where you viewed them. Pop-ups usually come from whatever site you are currently visiting, so I would pay more attention to that content. If you have a counselor, you might discuss why you associate the beheadings to your homosexual interests and tendencies. If you don’t have a counselor, you might want one. To discuss all or any of this.  

Much luck and courage in discovering yourself,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected],, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.

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