Dear Uncle Mat

Dear Uncle Mat,


I have no idea what to get my new boyfriend for Christmas. We have been going out for a little more than three months now, and it is definitely serious. He sleeps almost every night at my house, and we have discussed him moving in once his roommate can find a new roommate or their lease ends in April. He is very smart, well read, and into music, but I just don’t know enough about music or the books he reads to pick something he will like unless I ask him and ruin the joy of the surprise. I thought about buying a new king size bed (two guys over 6 feet in a queen size bed is a tight fit), but I want him to be a part of picking out new things for the home, so he feels it is his place as much as mine. I know he would love a dog, but if I get a dog for him now, he doesn’t officially live here yet and might feel the dog is a burden (he knows I am not a dog person on my own, but love the idea of him having a dog.) I realize you don’t know him any better than I do, but I thought you might have an idea of how I can get him a great gift that is a total surprise and perfect. That’s not too much is it?

Thanks,Secret Santa Is in Love


Dear Secret Santa Lover Man,

If he dumps you, I would totally take a puppy, king size bed, and an iTunes or Half Price Books gift card for Christmas. No surprises required. I’m just saying my lease is month-to-month, and I don’t have a roommate. We’ll leave it there.

I am going to say no to the puppy. If you are not going to be actively raising the dog then you shouldn’t pick it out. When the time comes, take him to the Humane Society or Animal Defense League and pick out a rescue dog. Now, you could do this as a surprise gift trip. Tell him he is getting his present, and you are going to take him to pick it up. You could even blindfold him if you’re into that kind of stuff. This could work the same for the bed: Take him out shopping. Maybe tell him it’s just a window-shopping trip and then after he picks out one he really loves, buy it, either right there in front of him or have it delivered before Christmas.

Speaking of blindfolds and beds, get him something romantic and intimate. This could be anything from a weekend get away in a fancy hotel suite to a few toys for the bedroom — if that’s your pace. Sex always makes a great gift.

If you still want something more personal, you need to employ his friends and family in your plot. There are people on this planet who have known him for longer than three months and for that matter haven’t spent most of that time talking with their penises. I’m not saying that your relationship isn’t deep and all that, but in the first three months you are probably more likely able to pick his dick out of a police line up than remember his middle name. Ask the experts. Peruse the book shelf and CD rack. Write things down (this is important). Thoughtful gifts often take thought and effort.

Much love and luck,

Your Uncle Mat


Dear Uncle Mat,


Is it right that our parents lie to us about Santa being real? My girlfriend and I cannot agree on what to tell our daughter in a year or two when she is older and can understand (she is just 9 months now). I think we should just tell her the truth. My girlfriend says it’s better she believe in something magical even if just for a few years. What do you think?


Honesty is the best policy


Dear Prick,

Santa is real, and I am not sure what honesty has to do with any of this. Tell your daughter that Grinches should wear condoms, and you are seeing a therapist to get over your baggage about your parents.


Much love and holiday joy,

Your Uncle Mat

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