The QueQue

Chingo Singularity

A lunar eclipse promises insight to those feminine forces among us; the Hutto kids are freed; Alberto, the last official Bush bitch to flee Washington, announced his exit; and Kenneth Foster comes to what will likely be his final hours for failing to psychically control the actions of others.

We’d love to tell you all about it, but we’ve been completely overwhelmed by the rising fire of celebrated hacker Virgil Griffith. The baby-faced, screen-tanned prankster was in Wired Magazine, the downtown library’s computer, and some rich guy’s sticky iPhone we found in the lavatory.

The author of mass feeping creaturism (and “cute,” according to our sister) lured Queque online to play with his tool this week.

Griffith’s latest seed of distanglement is a clever assault on the Corporatocracy that allows virtually anyone with online access to expose those teeming anonymous self-interested posters playing havoc with Wikipedia. Searching by company name or IP address, users are able to track down those who would misuse and/or abuse the wiki for their own capitalist or egocentric pleasures.

You, dear reader, are welcome to expose all the badsters within the CIA, Pepsi Co., and Diebold later. First, spend some time with us exploring the slander, depravity, and general nuttiness of SA’s own institutional blisters.

WIKI in the city

By far, the most disturbed Wikipedia edits we crossed came from City of San Antonio computer terminals. Okay, the ISD’s were pretty bad, but they could be written off to juvenility. (We liked one with Ol’ Abe Lincoln wrestling crocodiles, tho. Kid’s got a future.)

Someone in the City offices — obviously a Department of Health staffer with inscrutable medical sensitivities — amended the definition of AIDS to suggest that HIV is contracted by “fucking eachother when your drunk you dumb shits! Don’t fuck someone you dont know! You’ll die! DUH!”

It’s this sort of de-grammared straight talk about hard issues that has so engendered us to the city’s abstinence-only hawkers. Lovely.

While we generally concur with the standing Wikifinition that “Prostitution is the sale of sexual services,” another City poster suggested our sexual therapist may also be confused with “a tap dancing bitch on the street who opens up her knockers to someone that passes by… all they do is hump you and dump you.”

The poster’s suppressed pain almost overwhelmed us. But that’s what anonymity allows (your Queque should know), a laying bare of the soul and an unfettering of the mind.

While City staff offered more thoughtful edits to Dokken and Michael Jackson, Emo Hardcore was critiqued as “Supid people that ware girl pants and wine because they don’t have a pee pee.”

Saluting drivers

Apart from accusing a former president of fathering that “bastard son of satan GWB” and a shot across the bow of YouTube, the folks at Randolph Air Force Base kept their edits clean and crisp as the corners of their bedding.

These would-be men and women of militarized airspace gave their attention largely to the Florida Marlins, New Orleans Saints, Big Brother 7, Hot Wheels, and Jesus (in no particular order).

However, YouTube, one edit suggested “is a popular free video hosting Web site that allows virgin 20-somethings to upload, view, and share worthless piles of video crap that nobody in their right mind would usually give two craps about.”

We are sure their spilled bile had nothing to do with the Pentagon’s recent decision to deny troops access to MySpace and YouTube within Defense Department networks.

USAA employees wrestled with the meaning of their mission. Should military drivers be considered “high risk” because they are inherent “risk takers,” because they “move a lot,” or what? It all became too much for one editor, who simply tried to delete an entire section discussing past litigation involving the San Antonio-based insurance company.

Plug in and do your own searches at — and be sure to weave your way back to Chisme and let us know about your stings.

While you’re there, help us out. We’ve been looking for the vibrate feature on this iPhone for like a giga giga. And isn’t there a self-extracting feature, or will the ice tongs be necessary?


Since 1986, the SA Current has served as the free, independent voice of San Antonio, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an SA Current Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today to keep San Antonio Current.

Scroll to read more The QueQue articles

Join SA Current Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.