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10 Christmas Songs We Never Want to Hear Again 


Bah! Humbug! There is something about holiday music that can make us insane. Maybe it's the incessant cheerfulness that drives us mad, or maybe it's the fact that during the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, these songs are seemingly inescapable. Whatever the reason, these ten tunes are infectious Yuletide earworms that need to be wiped from our collective memory. 

Mannheim Steamroller, "Carol of the Bells"

Because the one thing this classical music composition didn't need was a wailing 80's electric guitar. 

Jose Feliciano, "Feliz Navidad"
That's right. We said it, because some one had to: we need another ubiquitous Spanglish Christmas classic. 

Paul McCartney, "Wonderful Christmastime" 
Any questions of who was the better Beatle were answered with the 1979 release of McCartney's mall-friendly holiday diddy. The better Beatle is John. 

Mariah Carey, "All I Want for Christmas is You"
All I want for Christmas is for Mariah Carey to shut the hell up. 

Ricardo Montalbán and Esther Williams, "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
This is a perfectly lovely holiday song. The only problem is that it's a perfectly lovely holiday song about date rape. It's the post-WWII "Blurred Lines." It's also technically not a Christmas song. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" was originally performed in the 1949 MGM musical Neptune's Daughter.

Alvin and the Chipmunks, "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" 
This childrens' Christmas standard sounds like it was sung by members of the Lollipop Guild, and we're pretty sure the CIA plays this song on repeat as a means of torture. 

Ariana Grande, "Santa Baby"
This goes for any version of this song that wasn't sung by Eartha Kitt, but it especially applies to Grande's 2013 version. Sure she was 20 when the song was released, but she looks 12, and the entire recording gives off a skeevy Lolita vibe.

Jessica Simpson feat. Ashley Simpson, "The Little Drummer Boy" 
"The Little Drummer Boy" is annoying enough, but the Simpson sisters' version gives us a case of the stabbies. 

Newsong, "The Christmas Shoes"
Christmas is not the time to make up your own version of a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale. As an added bonus, watch the video linked above. It'll make you hate Christmas.

Mormon Tabernacle Choir, "Joy to the World"
Just so you know, we're not anti-Christian. We're just anti-Handel, and we will never forgive him for the holiday nightmare he hath wrought.  

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November 17, 2021

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