June 11, 2015 Slideshows » Arts

6 Reasons We're Super-Excited About The Return Of 'Orange Is The New Black' 

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1. Jason Biggs’ character, Larry Bloom, is gone, gone, gone.

Piper’s fiancé, Larry Bloom, was the worst – he was selfish, unoriginal, manipulative and dull, and he brought out the worst in everybody around him. Every time Piper had a crisis in prison and turned to him for advice or help, his response was to turn it around and make it about himself. Which turned her otherwise smart, funny character into a sniveling heap. Not a good look for either of them. Plus, he not only fell in love with Piper’s best friend, Polly – he even went to visit Piper in prison with Polly to ask for her blessing of their newfound love. Without the Larry Bloom baggage, we predict that Piper will evolve into a fiercer, more self-aware version of herself. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Larry.

2. Vee is also gone, gone, gone.

The introduction of Yvonne Parker, played by Lauren Toussaint, was genius – she was a blast from the past for young inmate Taystee, who lived with Vee on the outside and looked up to her as a mother figure (a mother figure who dealt drugs and bullied teenagers into working for her, that is). Vee starts out looking like everybody’s pal, but she proves to be a deadly conniver, a survivor and a polarizing force who’s not afraid to stab an ally in the back if it’ll advance her position. Through Vee, we got a chance to get to know characters like Taystee, Suzanne, Red and even Silent Norma better, as they struggled to either remain on her good side (woe to the inmate who crossed the vindictive Vee) or find a way to beat her at her own game. But as her story arc crescendoed, she actually became too much to bear – every episode was about Vee, it seems, and the storylines were full of so much chaos and stress that it was a relief when the creators had Rosa Cisneros, an inmate suffering from terminal cancer, steal a van, escape from prison and run Vee down, killing her. We get chills thinking about her looking into the rearview mirror at Vee’s collapsed boy and saying with a smirk, “Always so rude, that one.” While Vee made Season 2 the most tumultuous and compelling season of OITNB yet, her character also threatened to tear the show (and our nerves) apart. We’re glad we got to know her, but we won’t miss her.

3. The return of Alex Vause

In the final episode of Season 2, Piper makes a phone call that gets her old flame Alex Vause, who got out of prison on a plea deal, caught red-handed violating her probation. Vause is headed back to prison, and she’s probably not going to be feeling very warm-and-fuzzy toward her old girlfriend. But, you never know. Even after Piper learned that Vause was the snitch who turned her in and landed her in prison in the first place, she was still willing to cozy up to her in the bunks. Season 3 promises the introduction of a new love interest for both Vause and Piper – a woman they’re going to fight over – and it seems like conflict tends to bring these women together, rather than drive them further apart.

4. We get to meet Pornstache’s mom

Creeptastic prison guard George “Pornstache” Mendez has been sent to prison for fornicating with pregnant inmate Daya. We won’t see much of him on the new season, but we will get to meet his mom, who’ll be played by actress Mary Steenburgen. From what we understand, Daya has some tough choices to make about the baby she’s carrying, and although prison administration (and Pornstache) believe it’s Mendez’ child that she’s carrying, the baby actually belongs to another prison guard, John Bennett, with whom she’s been having a lengthy affair. The affair is something they’ve managed to keep secret, despite Bennett’s attempt to come clean to his supervisor in Season 2. Pornstache’s mom will probably arrive on the scene and try to offer Daya’s baby a home while she serves out her sentence. But we are dying to find out what kind of woman raises a man like Pornstache, a sadistic, deluded, lonely creep whose only thrill in life is lording his prison guard power (and his dick) over the women in the prison? We’re hoping that the show digs deeper into Pornstache’s upbringing, and we anticipate a huge fight over what’s to become of Daya’s child.

5. Mike Birbiglia

We have no clue what role the comedian will play in the new season. All we know is that he’s coming, and for some reason the show’s producers insist on keeping the details secret.

6. The Martha Stewart-inspired character

Another weirdly secretive detail about the new season: There will be a character inspired by Martha Stewart. We don’t know who’s playing her, or what her purpose will be, but we’re looking forward to seeing her spruce things up in the dismal Litchfield dorms.

Season 3 of Orange is the New Black premiers on Netflix on Friday, June 12.

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1. Jason Biggs’ character, Larry Bloom, is gone, gone, gone.

Piper’s fiancé, Larry Bloom, was the worst – he was selfish, unoriginal, manipulative and dull, and he brought out the worst in everybody around him. Every time Piper had a crisis in prison and turned to him for advice or help, his response was to turn it around and make it about himself. Which turned her otherwise smart, funny character into a sniveling heap. Not a good look for either of them. Plus, he not only fell in love with Piper’s best friend, Polly – he even went to visit Piper in prison with Polly to ask for her blessing of their newfound love. Without the Larry Bloom baggage, we predict that Piper will evolve into a fiercer, more self-aware version of herself. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Larry.

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