Truth time: I’m not much for the Winter Olympics. While I appreciate the athleticism needed to cross-country ski, land a perfect triple axel or speed skate, I just can’t get behind watching a sport that requires that much wintry weather, and considering San Antonio goes into lockdown at the sight of a snowflake, I’m betting I’m not alone here.
That being said, the Sochi games carry a bit more gravitas (check out screens editor Enrique Lopetegui’s take on the matter on page 31), and deserve a few hours worth of viewing, but in order to make this bearable, we’re going to need some vodka … and lots of it.
Let’s start with the opening ceremony, which runs Friday from 6:30 to 10:30 p.m. Mix your favorite vodka-based drink. May I suggest Cinco’s Snow Drift made with 2 ounces Cinco vodka, ¾ ounce Cointreau, 1 ounce Crème de Cacao (white) and 2 ounces heavy cream. Combine in a mixing glass, cover and shake vigorously with ice to chill. Strain and garnish with white chocolate flakes.
Still not amused? Let’s take it up a notch. Mix another Snow Drift or grab a shot glass, cancel tomorrow’s plans and get ready for the parade of nations.
Take a sip: For every mention of luge or curling. If any player can explain either of these sports at the end of the night … you’re doing it wrong.
Finish your drink: For every manly depiction of President Vladimir Putin. There’s bound to be a slideshow showcasing the Russian leader as an ocean of testosterone, be it arm wrestling a bear (or U.S. congressman) or hunting shirtless in Africa.
Take a shot: During any mention of your home nation. Considering the U.S. tends to ship a generous number of athletes to these games, we’ll be wastyfaced by the time our national delegation and saucy ginger Shaun White roll around.
Snowfall (or waterfall): Start drinking your beverage whenever there’s a mention of injury, and stop only once the story concludes. Our own Lindsey Vonn suffered multiple setbacks leading up to the games and is currently recovering from knee surgery, while the aforementioned Flying Tomato took a nasty spill during his slopestyle qualifying match—I’m sure we’ll hear plenty about these Olympic boo-boos.
Once the opening ceremonies are over, consider expanding your imbibing into individual sporting events. For example, sip your drink whenever someone doesn’t nail a jump during snowboarding or if you see a hockey player without his/her teeth. Finish your drink whenever the “Star-Spangled Banner” plays during medal ceremonies or when someone eats it speed skating and knocks down several opponents. Finally, take a shot whenever you hear mention of the ever-inspirational Jamaican bobsled team, which made it to Sochi with donations from online contributors. Cool Runnings forever!