My friend is in her late 20s and married, and she has two little kids. Her husband had a rough childhood and has some issues. Since their most recent child was conceived, they have not had sex. He says he believes there is a difference between a lover and a mother, and he refuses to have sex with his wife now because he thinks of her as a mother to their children and not as a lover. She is struggling with this and doesn’t know what to do. Any advice? —Miserable Undersexed Mom
My advice? Don’t make babies with crazy people. But if your friend doesn’t have access to a time machine—or if she does but she’s attached to her children—she should inform her husband that she didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage. So he’ll need to get his ass to a therapist and get over this new mother-of-my-children hang-up. (Why didn’t he have this problem after the birth of his first child?) If counseling doesn’t do the trick, MUM, your friend should tell her husband that the mother of his children intends to find a guy who will fuck her, a divorce attorney or a divorce attorney who will fuck her.
I had an odd bit of awkwardness over the holidays. One of my wife’s nephews recently came out as gay, which is no problem at all for us, but it created friction in his immediate family. We were at a big extended-family dinner together, and after we sat down, I made a point of smiling warmly in his direction to let him know that my wife and I were allies. He responded with the Hot Steamy Eye-Fuck. And not just once: Every time I looked at that end of the table, I got the HSEF. Mind you, he’s a recently-out-of-the-closet 19-year-old and I’m a 42-year-old straight guy who’s married to his aunt. Maybe he was bored or perhaps trying to cause trouble. Is there a look that says, “I’m not interested,” or better yet, “Knock it the fuck off”? We haven’t seen him since, but we will run into him again eventually and want to be supportive without encouraging bad behavior. —Unnerving Nephew Crosses Line
The next time you want to tell a horny 19-year-old gay relative that you’re an ally, UNCL, use your words, e.g., “If you need someone in your corner, kiddo, you can count on us.” Because a warm smile from an uncle is likely to be misinterpreted as an invitation to fuck your (closeted-and-dying-for-cock) uncle or fuck with your (well-meaning-but-patronizing) uncle. Likewise, the best way to communicate “knock it off” is by using your words, not your eyes.
I’m a 33-year-old straight woman, married for 10-plus years to an awesome guy. We have a great relationship. Our sex life wasn’t always super. At first, he didn’t want much sex and had a lot of inhibitions. But I’ve worked hard at bringing him out of his shell, and he has willingly tried several toys and playful games, and the last few years have been great. The problem is his most recent revelation. He told me he’s interested in being dominated. By me. I asked him if it was mostly a visual thing or if he liked the idea of actually being dominated by a woman. He said it was both. I am so uncomfortable with this idea. He has always been somewhat passive in bed. I assumed that it’s because he was shy and embarrassed about sex (which he was), but now I think maybe it’s more than that. The problem with his passivity is that it totally kills my mood. I don’t want to crack a whip (metaphorically or literally) and tell him what to do. The thought grosses me out. How can I give him what he wants here? —Dame Not Domme
By sending him to see a pro-domme, DND. You dominate him by ordering him to submit to her, she cracks the literal whip and then orders him to show his gratitude to you—and his submission to you both—by going home and vanilla’ing the shit out of you afterward.