last words

Introducing …
For your instant gratification and convenience …

 The San Antonio Current’s
All-purpose hate-mail template!

Just circle any and all of the appropriate descriptors and add postage! It’s that easy to let us know you care!
Dear Editor:

I can’t help but feel

(grossed out, outraged, aroused, shocked, revolted, dismayed, violated, annoyed, pissed off, exasperated, insulted) 

by the Current’s story about

(Big Kahuna, a recent play/musical, Haley Scarnato as a golden calf,
art censorship, a death-row inmate, a teen beauty pageant).

Clearly your staff doesn’t know anything when it comes to

(grandmas, drugs, the Alamo, politics, theater, law, wedding singers, art, lethal injection, society, Tim Rice, inner beauty, sea-monkeys), 

and the writing was 

(shallow, foul, uninspired, almost funny, bullshit, lugubrious,
blasphemous, lascivious, offensive, fourth-grade level, yellow, ugly, superfluous, nutty, caddish).

It seems to me that the writer is 

(lonely, ageist, Communist, insensitive, Republican, joyless, barefoot, mean, ignorant, homosexual, homophobic, racist, snotty, a narc, a novice, a witch, a clown)

and as such, I will no longer be reading your 

(publication, “newspaper,” ragazine).