Mutantphobia: The San Francisco treat

X-Men and X-Women:

As a resident of San Francisco, I would first like to offer you all a warm welcome to the Bay Area, where I’ve noticed the X-Men have recently relocated. I was greatly saddened to hear about the destruction of your storied X-Mansion in Westchester, your East Coast residence of several decades.

You’ve only been here a matter of weeks, but it’s honestly felt like much, much longer.

I truly hope you’ve enjoyed visiting the historic landmarks of the Bay Area, such as the Full House house, the homeless man defecating triumphantly on a street corner, and the delicious bowls of box-made flavored rice and vermicelli scattered about.

But I know I speak on behalf of everyone in San Francisco when I say this: You really need to leave. I’m sorry (please go).

It’s not because you ruined our Museum of Modern Art soon after you got here, or because you had a terribly destructive fight a few years back that ruined both the Bay Bridge and Alcatraz. Honestly, anything that prevents me from going on an 8 a.m. Alcatraz tour with visiting friends who are really into The Rock (the movie) is fine by me. Nothing against The Rock (the movie).

No, it’s because San Francisco is a city of values, and your “mutant” lifestyle choices endanger the rigid moral fiber of our city.

What are our children supposed to think of the hard-bodied men and women prancing about the city in nothing but unitards, leotards, and other -tards of indeterminate style? I shouldn’t have to remind you that this is San Francisco (but this is San Francisco), and it’s a city of integrity and delicious rice/vermicelli mixes.

Even more, our children could grow up thinking it’s natural and socially acceptable for “mutants” like Wolverine to slash things with his adamantium claws. Or for Nightcrawler to teleport. Or for Cyclops to act like a tremendous asshole to all the other X-Men. But none of those things are natural.

I’m not disputing that the X-gene sits on chromosome 23 and that its activation imbues powers to otherwise normal humans. No, that’s sound science. But these so-called “mutants” have made the choice to give in to these unnatural urges when they could have easily resisted them. I, for example, have the power of flight (in addition to hyper-intelligence). I simply choose not to use it because I have great willpower and know using it would be unethical and immoral and incredible.

Again, all I ask is that you leave promptly. Even fewer people think I’m cool with you around.

Concerned SF Citizen (hero)

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