Cinema Obscura

The seven stages to coping with the fact that you’re watching Repo! The Genetic Opera:

Initial shock and disbelief: “Whoa, they’re singing right from the get-go, and a lot of it’s just sing-talking like in elementary-school music class. I guess they weren’t joking about the opera thing. Wait, that would mean this is actually an opera, about a man who repossesses transplanted organs, by the guy who directed Saws two through four. Surely that can’t be a thing that exists, right?”

Denial: “OK, but there’s no way they’ll keep singing these god-awful songs. No studio would’ve approved something like that. And all of this convoluted sci-fi back story is not just going to be revealed via crappy comic-book drawings. And, for Christ’s sake, will someone please tell me that isn’t Paris Hilton?”

Bargaining: “OK, that was a funny idea for a cameo, having Hilton play a spoiled heiress to an organ-financing company. Ha ha, very meta. Please take her away now. I’m begging you, Darren Lynn Bousman. If you get her off camera before she manages to sing or expose her ass in a tacky, revealing outfit, I swear to god I will give this piece of shit a five-star review.”

Guilt: “I should never have rented this film. What have I done? This is only encouraging Hollywood to make more gory, off-key musicals, which will cause aspiring filmmakers with actual interesting ideas to commit seppuku. What if the video-rental returns for Repo! are now good enough to inspire a sequel, and I’m responsible for forcing Giles from Buffy to play the repo man for a second time? He probably needs the work, but he deserves better than this.”

Anger: “They’re not even trying to tie up the fucking stupid loose ends in their own fucking stupid movie! How could you allow this film to happen, God? A few sudden aneurysms on set probably would’ve halted production. `Begins punching self in the head.` Damn you, eyes and ears, why must you continue to function?”

Depression: “I really just spent an hour and a half watching Paris Hilton sing about organ transplants. I’d kill myself, but Repo! is definitely showing nonstop in hell.”

Acceptance: “Just kidding. I will never forget, and never forgive. I’m currently googling Bousman’s home address.”