Which is to say Friday's debate between Republican incumbent Greg Abbott and his Democratic rival, former El Paso congressman Beto O'Rourke, isn't going to change a lot of minds. So, why not get lit while the two verbally duke it out?
To that end, we devised a drinking game for the event, which will be held at the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley in Edinburg. (What's more college-appropriate than a drinking game, right?) If you decide to play along, please have a designated driver — and try not give yourself alcohol poisoning.
Required: Beer of your choice, hard liquor of your choice and a television tuned to the debate, which airs at 7 p.m. Friday on San Antonio's KSAT-TV.
Drink once from your beer if:
- O'Rourke uses a Spanish phrase.
- Abbott refers to the Biden Administration as the "Bidenministration."
- O'Rourke mentions that he took his son to the recent Iron Maiden concert.
- Abbott mentions fentanyl. Add another drink if uses the exact phrase "deadly fentanyl."
- O'Rourke drops the name of an obscure Texas city he's visited — Iraan or Dimebox, for example.
- Abbott uses the phrase "open borders."
- O'Rourke congratulates former bandmate Cedric Bixler-Zavala on the release of the new Mars Volta album.
- Abbott trots out the racist trope of referring to people crossing the border to seek asylum as an "invasion."
- O'Rourke mentions a grandmother he met on the campaign trail.
- Abbott squints at the camera in an attempt to emulate Clint Eastwood.
- O'Rourke uses the word "motherfucker." Add a third drink if he directs it at Abbott.
- Abbott uses the phrase "it could have been worse" to explain away the grid collapse, a mass shooting or some other debacle that occurred on his watch.
- O'Rourke has a Democratic presidential debate flashback and threatens to take away Texans' assault rifles.
- Abbott shows up wearing one of his fake police or border guard uniforms. Drink a third time he's added medals to his chest like a true authoritarian strongman.
- O'Rourke is caught air drumming or eating a Whataburger while coming back from a commercial.
- Abbott tries to explain that there's no need for an incest exception in Texas' abortion ban because "we're not West Virginia."
- O'Rourke reveals that if he can't win this election, he'll next run for a seat on an El Paso school board.
- Abbott scowls at the camera after calling President Joe Biden a "worthless commie rat."
- O'Rourke refers to Abbott as "DeSantis Lite," "Texas Trump," "Frowny, Frowny Frog Face" or "Victor Orban After a Trip to Supercuts."
- Abbott produces a firearm onstage to show his NRA allegiance. Take an extra shot if he discharges the weapon at any point.
- O'Rourke shows up to the debate in a dress to recreate the Foss cover shoot.
- Abbott attempts to prove he's just as extreme as Allen West by using "harsh interrogation tactics" on a migrant pulled off one of his charter buses.
- O'Rourke brings a drag performer onstage to read a children's book out loud in a bid to make Abbott's head explode.
- Abbott, in a Freudian slip, refers to Operation Lone Star as Operation White Hood.