Cinema Obscura 

The credits claim The Monster Squad was written by Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) and director Fred Dekker (RoboCop 3), but I’m totally calling bullshit. (A writing team of Black and Dekker, seriously? Was this film sponsored by Sears’ hardware department?)

The kids starring obviously directed, built the sets, and wrote this movie themselves, or, more accurately made everything up after the cameras started rolling, probably filming the whole thing in a single, real-time take. Evidence of this theory abounds, from the monster makeup and costumes that were clearly purchased at a nearby Walgreens, to the so-called plot — a portal opens every 100 years (at midnight, on Halloween, natch) to allow Dracula to somehow rule the world, if he can enlist the help of Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman (Jon “Uncle Rico from Napolean Dynamite” Grier), a mummy, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon — which sounds suspiciously like the results of a second-grader’s bad Pixie Stix trip. But the conclusive proof is in a single word: “nards.” Truth told, most ’80s babies fondly remember this film exclusively for the following exchange concerning the existence of lupine genitalia:

Sean (spotting Wolfman): Kick him in the nards!

Fat Kid: He doesn’t have nards.

Fat Kid (after dealing a disabling kick): Wolfman’s got nards.

If you’re an adult, and you still use the word “nards” outside of the context of discussing this movie, then, congratulations — you’re the worst phone-sex operator I’ve ever had. Also, if you Google the word “nards,” the second link is a reference to Monster Squad, and the first is the urbandictionary.com entry for which the example sentence is, you guessed it. Case closed.


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