Critical Darling understands, you’re heaving with desire to know what Ashton Kutcher has writ in Harper’s Bazaar this month, but somehow you never thought to subscribe to that journalistic stronghold. Let me save you the trouble (and the moula) of buying Bazaar off the rack:

According to Kutcher (pfft, never thought I’d say that), men don’t care for flattery in the vein of “you look nice” or “cute,” but long to be compared to Tony Montana or James Bond. Critical Darling’s darling prefers to thrive on movie-star comparisons, all of which are true, but neither Roger Moore nor any castmember of Dude, Where’s My Car? ever seem to be among them.

Speaking of 007, the once-rumored “new Bond,” Clive Owen, star of this week’s release Shoot ’Em Up, is also currently appearing in a men’s fragrance commercial directed by none other than Wong Kar-wai. Underwhelming, though not without it’s maker’s signature: a lovingly rendered booty-shot.

The ad airs only outside the U.S. and Britain, via the New York Times, so without that to look forward to every time you flip on the tube, might I suggest a look back at David Cronenberg’s pertinent virtual-reality film eXistenZ, in honor of his latest release, Eastern Promises. XO.

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