Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. Um, Lane. Do you mind if I call you Anthony? Forget it: Tony, your review of Funny Games in the New Yorker left me with some questions, sir.

Particularly, can you explain to me why Michael Haneke needs leading men in order to “export his brand of panic to the United States”? And this phrase: “Poor Tim Roth … has been reduced by ‘Funny Games’ to a fusspot.” Boo-hoo, an extraordinary actor in a whimpering secondary role. (How unheard of. Cough. Cate Blanchett. Cough. Babel.) Or are you merely trying to say that the American male movie star would never concede to play so wimpy a character as Roth’s — “Who will be brave enough to contact George Clooney, or Denzel Washington, and propose them for the role of a wuss?”

Because it sure reads like you’re suggesting that Haneke suppress what he does best — fashioning top-notch films around strong female performances — and take a swing at the XYs as a means to reach English-speaking audiences, only months after Warner Bros. executive asshole Jeff Robinov allegedly remarked “We are no longer doing movies with women in the lead.”

Honestly, Anton, if Clooney’s not willing to be a wuss with 12 lines now and then, he’s not the actor we think, and you’re both perpetuating the problem. XO.

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