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Dear Uncle Mat 

The man I’m sleeping with does not have the time to fuck me as often as I need. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else though.

Chew on that tiger,

— The pensive monogamist

Dear Pensive Monogamist,

I don’t chew. I prefer to put it in my pipe and smoke it.

The first question that comes to mind is exactly how often do you need to be fucked? If you are talking about a weekly stick in the bush, and your cowpoke is unavailable, you have one problem. If you and Mister Now are hitting it four or five times a week and you still want seconds, then you have another problem. So ask yourself, is he too busy for me or am I too horny for him? Also, if a guy is turning down good sex (I am going to give you assumed credit here), are you sure you are the only swimming hole in the county he frequents?

Your reference to the man in your “letter” is emotionally detached. I suspect you actually have an emotional attachment to him that you believe he and others will find unacceptable or undesirable. You have a little too much baggage to pass off as an overnight bag. Pretending it isn’t there is really going to suck later. Changing the nature of the relationship is a good idea now. Try offering him something other than sex for a change. Dinner, movies, a night at the roller derby, or an afternoon at the Botanical Gardens are all healthy options. Then fuck him. If you allow the relationship (even if it’s just a friend with benefits) to be varied, all aspects should become more fulfilling. If this still doesn’t work, I suspect you have only found a good lay, but not a lot more. In that case you will either need to give up your monogamous ways and find an additional chap to assist with your extensive needs or replace him with someone man enough for the whole job.

Much luck and love,

Your Uncle Mat

My girlfriend is not affectionate enough at home but she gropes me like crazy in public. What do I do?

— Touched, in all the wrong places

Dear Touched,

The next time she gropes you in public, dry hump her. Right there. Just hop on her thigh and lick her face. It’ll be hilarious and people will stare and maybe tip. Then invite everyone who watches for more than 30 seconds without running away over to your house for the evening. You should be able to get some at home and she’ll probably lay off the PDAs in the future, unless she’s ready for some actual action.

If that is a little too showy, think about this: She is hyper touchy-feely in public because she is insecure about your relationship and her identity. She wants others to know that she is your girlfriend. She is cold at home because she is insecure about herself. She either has issues with her sexuality or her body, and most likely her overall self esteem. If you are less than enthusiastic about her public displays, she is more distrustful of the relationship in private. You then have to be the most patient, understanding girlfriend who is always direct, honest, caring, and intentional with every action. But still then, saints don’t get laid. That’s pretty much in the Bible — unless you are a repentant whore, and still then there’s no more sex after that. Whatever, it probably isn’t going to work out that way for you. She should probably see a therapist. You should tag along.

Good luck with all of that and seriously don’t rule out a little public sex. Be discreet, try to establish a sense of intimacy (i.e. not while you’re drunk and in the middle of a crowded room) and work to translate those events towards your bedroom (but don’t bring anyone with you. At least for now.)

Much love,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at or Your true identity is safe with him.


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