Dear Uncle Mat 

Three months ago I invited a friend and former coworker to be my roommate. I had the space, wanted the rent break, and he needed a home. His share of the rent and bills is only $350. This is about one week’s pay for him. He was late last month and still hasn’t paid this month. We both like to party, but I know rent comes first. I don’t want to be an asshole, but I can’t afford to support him. Is it OK to kick him out?

Signed,

Nobody’s Sugar Daddy

Dear Roomie,

How is it that you are his sugar daddy? I am not sure that the nature of your relationship with the roomate is clear. Semantics, people.

This situation does explain why your pal was homeless just three short months ago. When choosing a roommate it is important to consider many factors including, but not limited to: Do you like them? Are they employed? Financially responsible? Do you have the same definition of clean? Have you had in the past, are you currently having, or do you hope to have sexual relations with this person? Does this person have personal problems that will affect you?

Your roommate may have a substance-abuse problem. (Assuming you mean partying as in booze and drugs.) You may, too. He needs help, and you need to be slapped. You are totally justified to kick him out, but you should talk to him about his problem(s) and offer to assist him in finding support to address his (maybe) underlying issues. It is the responsible and human act required in this situation. He may not want to hear it and never speak to you again, but you are kicking him out onto the street, so what’s the difference? Mostly he will object to the hypocrisy of you telling him he has a problem. Note that he has a very good point. You are living and partying with him and when he falls behind, your response is to ditch him. Why not stop partying and help your friend? Homelessness happens after a lot of other obvious signs point at a problem. Just a thought.

Much luck and moderation,

Your Uncle Mat

 

Is having lunch with someone weekly and not telling your boyfriend cheating?

Signed,

Guilty?

If you say you’re guilty, then you’re guilty. Why are you asking me? Would you like me to say “no”? To be a sport, I can. I suppose if lunch is just soup and salad and your lunch partner isn’t tossing you for dessert, it isn’t adultery. See? Now you can sleep at night. All better. Too bad for you we are both full of shit.

The question is loaded. Too simple and a total setup. What are you not telling us? Whatever it is, everyone just thought of something 10 times worse. I decided you are having lunch with your minister and want to sleep with him even though he has a wife and kids and is your spiritual leader and brother’s best friend. So you are totally guilty of being a home-wrecking harlot who is plotting against her church and Jesus!

Cheating is not really a physical act. That’s why you feel guilty. A regular secret lunch partner is much more threatening to a relationship than a drunken one-night stand. (Put the scotch down, kids.) Ask yourself what is wrong with the situation. Why are you keeping it a secret? Your actions and question suggest that your new “relationship” is in competition with and undermining your boyfriend. Does this lunch partner know about your boyfriend? I would question the intentions of anyone who encouraged or supported the idea of being hidden from your significant other. What makes these two people so incompatible? Reflect on what you want from each person. Be honest with both parties and then you don’t have to be guilty.

One last thing: if you aren’t telling your boyfriend because he is unreasonably jealous and/or a total asshole, you should leave him. Significant others who disallow friendships are controlling you with a form of emotional abuse. It’s unhealthy and will only escalate over time. Get out while the gettin’ is good.

Much love and less duality,

Your Uncle Mat


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