Dear Uncle Mat

Dear Readers,

Welcome to half-way through your Fiesta week. Hopefully you’ve avoided alcohol poisoning, arrest, calling in sick to work, and bad sex decisions so far. I realize that by Wednesday I am too late for some of you, but for the rest I have a bit of a “dos and don’ts” list for the remainder of your Fiesta.

I recently started a new day job (that is right, I am still not making a living off the mess that y’all call your lives), and our Board is very environmentally conscious. I want to encourage you to think green this year. Carpooling and public transportation aren’t just for the drunks. Parking is overpriced and inconvenient for most events anyways. You can save the gas money for beer.

Don’t just throw away those plastic souvenir cups. Some might be recyclable, but if not, at least drop them off at the local Salvation Army or Goodwill. Same thing with the T-shirts and caps you or your mother thought you might really love. If you are planning an event, think about the throw-aways. There is enough trash in this world. If you are an attendee, I encourage returning the baubles and beads to the organizations after the event. Either before leaving or by mail later. Think reuse.

I know that Texas is the land of the koozie, but just say no. It is time to give up the habit.

Next up: Eat before going to the events. I know there are plenty of delicious turkey legs and funnel cakes and other fiesta fare, but you need real food first. Eat something healthy and filling. It will totally help keep the Fiesta Five (lbs) at bay and make you a more stalwart drinker for the evening. After a few beers, you can refortify with a snack, but not a sample from every booth in the food alley. On the nutrition bent, take your vitamins every morning and drink some green tea this week as well.

Do keep your beer cups as you drink each night. I know the stack gets cumbersome, but if you can’t drink in moderation they make a good scoring system. Try and locate any potential sex partners before you obtain five cups. Sleep with anyone you meet after seven cups at your own risk. If you have more than 10 cups in your stack, ask a friend to hold your hand or keep you on one off those child leashes. Any ideas that you have on your own after the 12th cup — like making out with your ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend — is bad. Really bad.

Now, some of you will inevitably make a mess of the week or yourself. I can’t think of a Fiesta that didn’t mark the end of a relationship for someone I know. Some relationships just aren’t going to last. If you can’t make it through one week of drunken debauchery without being a complete ass, you best hope your partner is forgiving or stupid. If your partner is the complete ass, this is a likely week you’ll find out. If you actually manage to get arrested or lose your job, at least finding bottom will be fun.

If you wake up at the end of the week with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, congratulations. I hope.

Do keep your shirt on at all times. Please. It is crowded and hot, but no one wants to rub against your bare, sweaty, beer-sticky, half-naked body. Anyone who does, probably has a minimum of nine cups in their stack and is maybe a slut. Trust me, later, when you want a taco and you have no shirt and can’t go in a restaurant, you’ll know I was right. Learn from my mistakes.

Remember, Fiesta events are charity fundraisers. That’s right, you are getting drunk to help people! It is a win-win situation. Check out the event website and see which events give money to charities you support or want to support. Sure the Coronation Celebrating Antarctica and its Indigenous Peoples and Wildlife or whatever might seem like a hot time, but you might prefer to spend your time and money at an event that supports a local aids charity, arts organization, historical district, or school near you. The week isn’t just about being seen and/or getting fucked up.

Now have fun and tell me all about it next week.

Much luck and love,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
[email protected] or Your true identity is safe with him.

Scroll to read more San Antonio News articles
Join the San Antonio Current Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state.
Help us keep this coverage going with a one-time donation or an ongoing membership pledge.


Join SA Current Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.