Dear Uncle Mat

I am a 28-year-old, college-educated black male. I live on the northwest side of San Antonio and come from a middle-class family. About five months ago I met a 27-year-old Hispanic female from the East Side of San Antonio, born and raised. We come from different backgrounds to say the least. Over this period of time together I have fallen deeply in love with her. This is the first time I have opened up to anyone like I have with her. In the last month and a half my life and everything I have come to know has been torn apart. She is the mother of three, with two different babies’ fathers — one of whom I met or ran into out with her one night; no problems there. The other has been behind bars for eight of the last 10 years. They also have been married for four of the eight years he was in the klink. He got out unexpectedly almost a year early. When I started this relationship I was not aware of the marriage or the fact that the guy was in jail. I found all this out after he got out, which was about a month and a half ago. By the time I knew everything it was too late. She is a very special girl. She has come and gone in my life three or four times in the last 60 days. She tells me she loves me, she says she would have my baby, she doesn’t want to be with that guy. For the first time in weeks we actually talked and she told me she missed me and showed up at my job. I’m not complaining, but she comes back and then pushes me away. She has very strong religious convictions and says she is tormented by what the Bible says about divorce and marriage. But she has told him about me; when he was still in jail she tried to divorce him. It is like he is now holding her hostage. She came back to me again on December 1. I saw her again later that week. Now she is pushing me away again based on her religious feelings. I don’t know what to do. I love this girl and would just like to have a chance to truly be with her. This is a real (north)westside story, without all the choreography.

Dear Frankie,

I don’t think we saw the same Westside Story. It’s possible that I missed a few plot twists when the Sharks were snapping and dancing, but I totally think your story is much more sensational. And I suspect that you will need more than a musical number and some backup dancers to work this one out.

I like to speak with care, because I do not know each person or the subtleties that might be left out of a story. I don’t think I am exaggerating, however, when I say that you are being played and used, at least a little — possibly without ill intentions. She didn’t tell you she was married or that the husband was in jail until he inconveniently got out of jail and hit the scene. She is concerned about the Bible, yet she has three kids by two dads, one marriage, and a new boyfriend? I would think she had worked out some type of acceptable moral compromise by now. I also think it’s odd that she tells you that she would have your baby. Why not say that she wants to marry you or raise a family together? She already has kids. A very curious choice for plan A.

It can be hard to tell a troubled individual from a succubus. I have fallen in love with a complete asshole or two. It’s easy to do, but not real fun in the end. How much happiness is there in this love? She definitely has some major issues to work through and it’s not just the Bible. If you want to pursue her, go for it, but understand that she is more than a little broken. I would not go any further until she begins to seriously pursue the divorce and sees a counselor (or a priest or nun if she prefers) to explore her “religious feelings” and other personal conflicts.

Much luck and love,
Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about
relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected],,
or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.

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